Saturday, June 29, 2019

A Glimpse of White Privilege

Good Morning, friends.  With all my book work as of late, my blog has become neglected.  So I figured it was time to dust off the cobwebs and give it some tender loving care.  And how better to do that than to take on the very politically and emotionally charged topic of white privilege? You know me, always ready to delve into the deep waters.
The truth is that I have stayed clear of politics on this blog, quite purposely. This blog is about Skiffdom and my thoughts while living in our chaos.  This has not changed; this is not a political blog.  This is a very Skiff experience that led me to a deep understanding of what white privilege is and how my family benefits from it.

I have to be honest, I used to scoff at the idea of white privilege, it wasn't that I was being purposely racist. I just looked at my life and couldn't understand how anyone would consider it privileged. I was raised in poverty, where we didn't always know where our next meal was coming from. My Dad worked harder than anyone I have ever met but with a family of 10 there just wasn't enough to go around. Our pastor would often show up at our house with groceries because he knew we needed them, even if we didn't talk about it. Our clothes were second hand hand-me-downs. Our shoes were worn. Our furniture was given to us. This is not a complaint. Our house was always full of people and my parents somehow managed to turn a widows mite into enough to feed whoever was there. They gave to others even out of our need. But I would not ever apply the word privileged to my childhood.
In school, I was bullied because I was always different than those around me.  My mom once said I was born old. I just came into the world older than my years. My friends were all in late twenties and thirties when I was still a young teenager.  I was the girl that stayed after to class to pick up all the spitballs the rest of the class had spat at me while the teacher was in the hallway, the girl who matured physically too young, the one who spent her time reading a book instead of playing with the other kids.  I definitely wasn't privileged.  My whiteness didn't stop the bullies. It didn't keep food on the table. It didn't stop me from being abused by others. It didn't keep me safe, or warm, or make me feel secure. How is that privilege, I wondered.
Once married my whiteness didn't protect me from having kids with autism, it didn't make my marriage a good one, it didn't keep mental illness from wreaking havoc in my children's and my husband's brains. It didn't keep food on our table, a roof over our heads, our house heated, or any number of other things that we lost or went without. In fact my experience was much more like that of many of my black friends than that of my white friends.  So where was my privilege?

My friends, I apologize from the depths of my soul. I was so blind to the privilege until an experience in December tore the blinders from my eyes in a most dramatic and heart wrenching fashion. Is there any other way in Skiffdom? LOL

It was a normal day in Skiffdom.  I was picking the twins up from one of their last days of high-school before Christmas break when my phone began to blow-up. I couldn't answer one call before another number was beeping in. I finally was able to pick up without my phone disconnecting because of all the new calls coming in. It was a police officer. He told me that there had been an incident with my youngest son at the bank two blocks from our house. My son was fine, how long would it take me to get there.  I was at the high-school less than a mile from my house. I had been gone less than 15 minutes. When I left everything was fine. What could possibly have happened in that short amount of time? Why was my son at the bank? He didn't answer my questions, just told me to get there as quickly as possible.
 It seems in the 15 minutes I was gone, he and his oldest brother had gotten into an argument about who had to bring out the dog. My youngest, who was closing in on a manic episode, just snapped. He ran out of the house, barefoot in a full meltdown. He ran into the bank ranting and waving his pocket knife around (why I don't know, he has no memory of doing any of this so I can't get answers from him).
I ran over to my son and gave him a hug; while I was hugging him my first thought,after the relief that he was safe,was "Thank God he isn't black or someone would have shot him for sure." At that instant my blinders fell away and I completely understood white privilege. White privilege isn't that my life has been easy. It isn't that I have money or even opportunity. White privilege is the fact that my mentally ill, autistic son went into a bank, with a small pocket knife, in a meltdown and came out alive. White privilege is that underneath all my excuses and reasoning, in a moment when my soul was stripped bare, I knew that the only reason he was sitting on that curb and not in an ambulance or in a body bag was because he had white skin. This is Texas. I can guarantee you any number of people in that bank were armed, besides the bank security and the police. And I was able to hug my son and get him the mental help he needed.  I knew my good friend, who has two autistic boys who are more severe than my son, would almost certainly have not been able to do the same, had it been one of her boys in the same situation. The difference would only have been the color of their skin. That breaks me in ways I can't even begin to put into words.
This is how broken our society is. This is white privilege. Now that I see it, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it changes.  To my friends of color, I can only beg your forgiveness for my years of blind ignorance. I am so sorry

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

A Glimpse of Vanilla

Hello, my friends.  I'm back!! A lot has happened over the past year (thus the very sporadic posting). I've written and released a novel and a children's book. I'm currently writing a second novel and have another children's book in the final stages of illustration and editing. There have also been a lot of personal mountains to climb, which I will address in future posts. But in my first post back I have something slightly more scandalous on my mind.  Here is your warning; things are about get hilariously hot and spicy. So if you are easily embarrassed or don't want to laugh out loud in the office, stop reading now!

 I like peppermint ice cream. I love peppermint ice cream smothered in hot fudge, with whipped cream and a cherry on top. And hell yes, I want sprinkles too!! The more whipped cream, hot fudge, cherries and sprinkles the better. I'll sit down and devour every sinful bite, savoring each lick of the spoon. Yes, I love me a good sundae.
But there are days when all I want is a good, old fashioned vanilla cone. Just one scoop of vanilla on a plain Jane sugar cone. No, I don't want a waffle cone. No, I don't want to mess with sprinkles. No, I don't want a second scoop of your hand made horchata cinnamon flavor. Yes, I know that there are 3.5 million flavor combinations available. But damn it, I just want a simple, no fuss no muss, vanilla ice cream cone.
I'm like this with a lot of things. Some days I just want a plain sugar cookie or a good old fashioned, plain McDonald's cheeseburger. Sometimes I want to wear my old comfortable tennis shoes with my most comfortable pair of worn out jeans. And sometimes I like plain, vanilla, no frills sex! There I said it. Yes, I know toys are fun. Swinging from the ceiling in chains and leather is exciting. But some days I don't want the hassle. Some days I'm tired. Some days, I want comfort above adventure. And hell some days I just want to close my eyes , think of the Queen and get it over with (and I'm not even British).
I feel like as a culture we have decided that everything in life needs to be a unique and exciting experience. We even want our coffee to be a unicorn (looking at you Starbucks Unicorn Frap).
Every single day has to be a holiday and every holiday has to be an over the top celebration. When I was a kid we wore green on St Patrick's day and ate corned beef. That's it. There were no leprechaun traps, green milk covered lucky charm or piles of golden chocolate coins to be found at the end of a glitter dusted rainbow. You wore green so that you didn't get pinched and maybe, if you were lucky, colored a four leaf clover, color by number worksheet at school. Then you went home. The End. Mom was not up until four in the morning hanging rainbows, setting leprechaun traps or coloring your milk green. And that was okay because you enjoyed not getting pinched and color by number worksheets. But I digress.
I am blessed to run an online group for women where we talk about sex and all kinds of scandalous things. The group was started by a dear friend, Emily Dixon, after she wrote a revolutionary book Scandalous:Things Good Christian Girls Don't Talk About -But Probably Should (you can find the book here). If you are a woman and want an incredible, supportive group of hundreds of women you should check us out on Facebook (sorry guys this is a women only group). However, the group can get pretty Scandalous at times. So be forewarned. I bring this up because I am fortunate enough to interact with hundred's of women on a daily basis. And I have noticed that plain Jane vanilla sex is no longer regarded as okay. Every sexual encounter is supposed to be a combination of the Karma Suture and a porn movie.
I was lucky enough to be the mother of young children before this was a thing. I mean sure my husband and I had some exciting sex. But we didn't have a fully outfitted BDSM dungeon in our basement.  I didn't have to worry about my anal beads and our babies amber teething beads getting mixed up (full disclosure: my kids didn't have teething beads either. Nope, it was good, old fashioned, BPA loaded plastic teething rings for them). I wasn't rushing to take down the sex swing to hang the Johnny Jumper.
More than swinging from the ceiling, I remember falling into bed dead exhausted from a day of keeping those tiny human's alive and bathed.  We had sex (obviously we have 5 kids) and we even had some really good, hot and heavy, toys included sex. But we also enjoyed a lot of plain vanilla sex. Because that was all we had the energy for. Because sometimes it's about the comfort not the thrill.  Sometimes you are just in the mood to have a quick vanilla ice cream cone. And that is okay! It's normal. It's even healthy. Not everyday is Christmas, that's what makes Christmas special.
Also, if you need help keeping those anal beads and the teething beads organized, this could be for you:
I'm here to help.  Much love, Kristine

Monday, July 9, 2018

What If I Fail?

Am I strong enough to face my fears; all of them? Am I strong enough to fail; to fail spectacularly?  Am I strong enough to shed all my protective layers and be real? Am I strong enough to do what I dream of without thinking of the consequences? Am I strong enough to fight for the weaker, the disadvantaged, for those on the fringes of society, no matter of the cost to myself? Am I truly strong enough?



You know what, I don't care anymore. I don't care if I'm strong enough. I don't care if I'm not.  I've spent too much of my life caring about these things.  Now I have come to an amazing realizaion.....wait for it: No one cares! No one cares if I fail. No one cares if I am strong enough or not. No one cares if I fight or if I lay down and bury my head in the sand.  If I choose to be an ostrich, no one will know that I ever had the thought to fight.  And if I fight, they will just assume that is who I am and will have no idea or care about the internal battle that it took for me to get there.  Nobody cares because it's not about me! It never was. It was only my own insecurities and pride that ever made it about me.  So I no longer care. I no longer am going to wait to be strong enough. I'm no longer going to live my life trying to protect myself from failure, even spectacular failure.  I'm 41 years old and I have so many things that I've wanted to do but haven't because I was too consumed with myself; my self doubt, my fear of faiure, my fear of what people think, my all consuming need to do it right.  Yet even with all of that annalysis and fear, I have still failed.  I have been broken into so many pieces that I couldn't even count them. And do you know what has happened, even in all of that failure? I survived. I grew. I glued myself back together into a whole different kind of woman.  And then I broke again. And once again I pieced myself back together; this time the pieces came together more quickly. Failure happens.  Breaking happens.  I no longer fear the process.  I have survived it.  I will survive it again  So I no longer care if I'm strong enough to take it.  I'm going to give it my best shot. To hell with success. To hell with failure.  To hell with me and my insecurities.
 None of it matters.  All that matters is: have I lived my life with true integrity? Have I been kind?  Have I been compassionate? Have I been honest, even with myself? Have I loved fully and completely?  Have I tried with everything in me?  Have I shot for the stars? Have I dared to believe I could live the dream? Have I truly failed? Have I spectacularly failed?
When I die, I hope I can honestly answer that I have.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

A Glimpse of the Avalanche

Yesterday I was blessed to meet another special needs mom as we both waited for our boys to be finished with camp for the day.  Her son is around the same age as my oldest.  We talked about the struggles of having a child who is legally adult but in no way ready to "adult" on their own.   There is a bond, an affinity, between special needs parents that is hard to explain. Whatever our race, creed or politics, it doesn't matter.  We share a commonality in our daily life experiences that few can comprehend, much less understand. So we sat and commiserated for close to two hours, both of us ignoring the work we had brought to accomplish while waiting.
  I felt a distant rumble as I walked away from that conversation.  It felt like the start of an avalanche, high in the mountains above, as you stand in the valley below.  You stand in the warm spring air, the sun shining upon you, knowing that if you don't take emergency measures NOW you will be buried under tons of snow and ice.  You start shouting and running, trying to warn everyone surrounding you of the frozen fury that is about to rain down upon them. But they look at the green grass and blooming flowers, feel the warmth of the sun and shake their heads.  You are Chicken Little crying"The sky is falling".  You point out the distant rumble that is getting closer every minute. They laugh and say it's just a train going by.
So you do your best to fortify what you can and try to save your family.   But there has never been an avalanche in this valley.  There is no evacuation route. There are no shelters. You furiously start throwing together what you can with the limited time and resources that you have. Off in the distance, you see a person here or there doing the same as you are.  You know if you could combine resources you would all have a better chance of survival.  But there is no time.  So you nod at each other, offer a slight wave and continue with your own preparations.  All the while the rumble is getting closer and it is picking up speed.



There is an avalanche coming to your community and it is coming quickly. My oldest was diagnosed at the forefront of the huge increase of ASD diagnoses. We could spend all day today and tomorrow discussing the WHY's of it all. But really the why doesn't matter at this point because the results are the same. In 1992 1 child in 150 was diagnosed as autistic, by 2006 that number was 1 child in 59 (statistics by the CDC https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/data.html). Children born in 2000, when we just starting to see the rise in diagnosis, turn 18 this year. They become legal adults.  However many, like my oldest, are not capable of being independent yet.  Legally, we as parents lose the ability to manage their medical and psychological needs, to help them navigate the legal world, to have a much needed voice in their education.  Many of the services they currently receive they will age out of when they hit the magical 18 year mark.  We as parents have the choice to get partial guardianship (a complicated and hard process), sue our own child for full guardianship (which is an expensive and heart wrenching experience) or just throw them on the mercies of the very ill prepared system.

Many of you are reading this and are thinking "That's sad but it doesn't affect me or my family.  I've got my own crap going on."  Oh my friend, you could not be more wrong!! There is an avalanche coming for you and there is no place for us to direct it.
The U.S. cost of autism over the lifespan is about $2.4 million for a person with an intellectual disability, or $1.4 million for a person without intellectual disability.

-35 percent of young adults (ages 19-23) with autism have not had a job or received postgraduate education after leaving high school.
-It costs more than $8,600 extra per year to educate a student with autism.  (The average cost of educating a student is about $12,000)
-In June 2014, only 19.3 percent of people with disabilities in the U.S. were participating in the labor force – working or seeking work. Of those, 12.9 percent were unemployed, meaning only 16.8 percent of the population with disabilities was employed. (By contrast, 69.3 percent of people without disabilities were in the labor force, and 65 percent of the population without disabilities was employed.) (all statistics compiled by the Autism Society http://www.autism-society.org/what-is/facts-and-statistics/)

For the last 18 years, we parents have absorbed much of the cost of caring for, treating and getting therapy for these kids.  We  have 5 kids with disabilities in our family.  Even with that large number of diagnosed dependents, we did not receive a single dime of public assistance, with the exception of services provided by the public schools, until 4 months ago.  Now we are only getting help because some amazing people found loopholes to get my kids further services that they desperately needed but we could in no way do on our own.  I am not complaining.  I don't begrudge my children the care they needed.  We are parents. We simply did what good parents everywhere do, made it work for the sake of our kids.  However, all those very needed therapies, interventions, etc we pursued for our children, on our private insurance or simply out of pocket, quickly begin to go away when they turn 18.  Unless a plan is in place, our kids will lose all those services that make them as functional as they currently are.  Without the necessary support, our kids begin to spiral out of control and we don't have the legal authority to step in to help. Quickly those young adults become a burden on the already  dysfunctional mental health and legal systems.  YOU, the taxpayer, will pick up a much more expensive tab because nothing was in place to help these kids transition into adulthood safely.  The incredibly frustrating and heart breaking  part of this is that the entire spiral is completely avoidable!! Keep in mind, we aren't talking about a couple of kids here or there.  We are talking about 1 in 59 kids all coming of age within a few years of one another!!! That is a huge strain on an unprepared and at times willfully ignorant system.
"How can we prepare?" you ask.  Write your legislatures! Demand that they begin to fund transition services for special needs kids coming of age. We need educational outreaches for the parents of these kids. The process of getting any kind of guardianship is confusing.  Setting up trusts for your kids future is extremely complicated, time consuming and expensive.  Ask lawmakers to stream line the process for parents to get partial guardianship of their disabled children.  Volunteer to be a mentor for a teen with special needs.  Donate time or money to the underfunded, private organizations that struggling to give services to the multitudes coming their way. There is an avalanche coming your way. We few advocates are not enough to stop it from crushing not only our kids but also the entire system.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

A Glimpse of the Cuckoo's Nest

There are moments in time or things we experience that have the power to forever change us; to define us and bring clarity to our callings.  Such a moment happened to me two weeks ago while in the midst of a family crisis.  It was one of the most heartbreaking, shocking and enervating experiences I have ever had.  It broke me in the best way possible.  I write this today because most of you will never have the chance to experience this moment.  Most of you will never see the reality with your own two eyes. Most of you will only get the sanitized version from the news or a story that you read online.   You will never have the privilege of seeing the truth or having your heart broken and your protective instincts fired.  Even after reading this, most of you will chose to go back to your sheltered existence; choosing to believe the experiences and sights I am about to share with could not possibly be as bad as what I am going to portray and even if they are......well those people had it coming.  I know this little blog post will have little impact in the grand scheme of things.  However, I would betray everything that I stand for if I did not speak out, if I did not use what little voice that I have to scream from the rooftops how broken and dangerous our mental health system is.
Here's my story.  I swear to you not a stroke of this keyboard is an exaggeration or manipulation of what I have witnessed.   Sit back and read this with an open heart and mind.  If we don't make changes immediately I fear for the future of our most vulnerable children.

The past month my youngest son's behaviors had started to spiral again and he was experiencing side effects from one of his medications.  His psychiatrist advised that we change his medication under his supervision; he referred him to the children's hospital for PHP (partial hospitalization program).  He was to go to the program 8 hours a day for observation during the med changes and therapy.   It took two weeks after the doctor wrote the order for the program to have a slot open for B.

The  first day of the program we grabbed breakfast and started off bright and early. B was happy and chattering the entire hour and and fifteen minutes drive to the hospital.  We arrived and were led to a private room by one of the hospital therapist to answer the intake questions. There had been a breakdown in their system; had they done things correctly they would have seen he had been inpatient in their facility in September and his entrance to PHP was ordered by one of their own doctors.  If any of these facts been communicated as they should have been we would not have had to do the full intake process and the rest of this story would not have happened.  But as is often the case in our healthcare system, the necessary facts were not communicated.  If you have never done intake for psychiatric purposes it is a little more time consuming than intake for your typical ER or hospital visit.  You have to answer a lot of questions concerning your mental state, thoughts, home life, etc. It can be overwhelming to anyone.  The process is especially difficult for my youngest son who struggles to discuss anything emotional without breaking down on the best of days.  I also had not given him his meds  because the entire reason we were there was to change his medications. He needed to see the doctor and start his new regiment.  Within  2 minutes of starting intake, my son was beginning to work up.  Within 5 minutes he was in a full blown meltdown, screaming, hitting his head on the wall, scratching his arms, trying to run off, swearing at the doctors and security officers. We gave him medication, hoping to calm him enough to complete intake.  Instead he worked up even further.  The therapist apologized because there was no way to admit him to PHP in this state ( an obvious conclusion that we all agreed upon).  He needed to be placed inpatient.  It took two armed security guards to escort us to the special ER ( as I call it).  There a doctor looked at him and ordered the therapist to find him a bed somewhere.  Though we were already at the hospital, it was the children's hospital.  They do not take children over 12 in their behavioral (psychiatric) ward.  My son melted down for a full 2 hours.  We were in a room with a bed (with restraint hooks) that was attached to the floor,  a single chair made of the same material as the bed and NOTHING else.  We spent the next 8 hours waiting as the hospital called every behavioral hospital with a teen ward in the area looking for a bed for my son.  We live between 2 major cities (Dallas and Fort Worth). There are more than a dozen behavioral hospital wards and hospitals in our area that matched the needed criteria (most of which I would not recommend but we will get to that later).  It took 8 hours to find a single  pediatric bed.  This is not unusual. It is a normal occurrence for people to be turned away from the hospitals when they go seeking help for their kids because there are no beds available. This is also a problem for the adult population but for the purposes  of this article, we are focusing on the pediatric aspects of our mental health system. After waiting for hours, they found him a bed at Dallas Behavioral Health in DeSoto, Texas. .  We have been dealing with mental health issues for a while now with our kids; meaning we have a working knowledge of the hospitals in our area.  I had heard some questionable things about this particular hospital.  When I told my husband where they wanted to send B, his initial reaction was the same as mine: not happening.  But we had already spent 8 hours in the ER, the therapist calling and re-calling every hospital looking for a bed.  This was literally the ONLY bed available .  My husband researched and found that the hospital had recently won a few awards for their behavioral unit.  So with reluctance and no other options, B was assigned the bed.  It was a voluntary admission but if I had not cooperated they would have admitted him under the Baker Act (non voluntary admission).  That would have severely limited the amount of control I would have had to make medical decisions for my son.  So though we had a choice, we didn't really have a choice.
  We waited for the ambulance to arrive to take us the hour and half to Dallas Behavioral in DFW rush hour traffic.  The entire ride B was chatting away, asking questions about all the equipment in the ambulance.  The paramedic asked me twice if he had received the right transfer paperwork. Was B really supposed to be transferred to DBH?  Yes, I assured him, the paperwork was correct.

We exited the ambulance to a different world from the one we left.  B had been labeled a flight risk because of his earlier flight attempts while melting down.  We were sent to the locked flight risk intake ward.  Before I begin, let me say I have gone through intake with my kids on several different occasions now.  I have visited the behavioral ward of different hospitals as a missionary and as a parent.  This is was not my first rodeo and I am not easily shocked.  However, this intake ward managed to shock and horrify even me.  I will try to capture what the experience was like but I don't think even I can do justice to the absolute chaos that assaulted us as we were ushered through the large locked doors.
The first thing I noticed when walking in was the smell.  This is not new to me.  I spent years doing homeless ministry.  I lived above a homeless mission and worked there full time for my college internship.  The smell of un-bathed, inebriated individuals with dirty clothes and no access to hygiene products is not new to me.  It was new to my son, he immediately asked why it stank.  Milling around the narrow halls were adults waiting to be admitted. Some were rocking, others screaming, one kept trying to take off her shirt and have everyone feel her stomach and her "baby".  She would start screeching and yelling if you did not give her the attention she needed. She was demanding to leave so she could go have her baby (she was only a few moths pregnant and obviously not in labor).  There were about 5 police officers in the hallway with two patients they were bringing in.  One patient was a young teen girl ( I later learned she was 12).  She was in handcuffs between 2 large officers. Several of the male patients tried to touch her or engage her.  I was grateful to the officer for keeping them at bay while he was there, of course he left as soon as he signed the admission papers. To our right was a large waiting room with more adult patients waiting to be admitted.  They were sprawled across chairs and  on the floor.  Some had blankets, others just sat on the floor talking to themselves.  They wandered the halls freely, with no visible supervision.  To our left was a room with teenagers.  Adult patients kept wandering in and out though the nurse kept telling them they were not allowed in the teen room when she was available, which was very rarely.  Most of the teens were unaccompanied, having been brought in by law enforcement.  We were told to stay in the hallway until the staff could "get to us".  They dealt with the patients brought in by the police. B kept pushing himself between the wall and I.  He didn't know what to make of the chaos that surrounded us. Then it was our turn.  All our belongings were locked in a locker (standard procedure at every psychiatric hospital), we were patted down and scanned with a metal detector wand.  I was then told to go bring B to the teen room and that I could leave if I wanted.  I did not want to. At this point I wasn't sure if I would be leaving him at the hospital at all, Baker Act be damned.  As we waited there for several hours, more patients were brought in by the police or nurses. Some were loud.  Some looked high; others looked completely beat down by life.   Some were violent. One began beating on the doors with so much strength he shook the entire ward.  The teens were terrified, one girl looked at me and asked if he would be able to break the glass windows of the room we were in.  I assured her we were safe and that security would deal with him.  It took nearly 10 minutes for security to show up after they were paged (several minutes after he became worked up).  One adult patient stripped down and fought keeping any clothing on.  All the while the teens were unprotected in an unlocked room with adult patients wandering in and out. When the nurse came back I asked that the door be locked to protect the kids.  She complied after asking who I was.  I explained I was a parent and that I knew that by law the teens should be protected from the general population.
I talked with the kids who were there, they were dying to be listened to.  Most of them had been inpatient before.  They began to compare the facilities; which facilities had good food, which had the best staff, which places had the best therapist.  One thin boy told the story of how he had been inpatient at a different facility over Easter.  The nurses had sneaked them Easter candy and a doctor had ordered the entire teen ward pizzas for dinner that night.  He said he had asked to be brought back to that facility when the officers had taken him from school, in handcuffs (he had been overheard threatening to hurt himself).  He explained that was the only facility where he had made any progress because the staff really cared.  But the officers said it was too far and they could only bring him to DBH.
Sitting in there my heart was broken over and over.  One beautiful girl was brought in by law enforcement in cuffs, her wrists bandaged.  She began to talk to me.  She had just been released from inpatient two days before.  She had tried to slit her wrists so she was brought back, in handcuffs after they bandaged up her wrists.  It is just standard procedure to handcuff our youth.  So standard in fact, the kids were all comparing their cuff bruises while we waited.  Most of the teens had been waiting 6-8 hours for a bed.  They were not given food or even water during the entire time they waited.  To get to the bathroom they had to wade through the sea of adult patients wandering the halls with no supervision,

After 3 hours, we were finally admitted. So for those of you keeping count, we drove an hour to the PHP program, waited 8 hours for a bed to become available, drove an hour and a half to the hospital and waited 3 hours to be admitted (and we were "rushed" through because he was transferred from another hospital and I was making waves about the lack of proper security or supervision for the kids alone with any number of adult mental patients).
Once I looked over the ward B would be on (well what I could see of it from the place I was told to stand), I was reassured that he would be completely separate from the adult population.  I signed the last of the paperwork, they did a full exam of B (again standard procedure for psychiatric wards) documenting any scratches, rashes, bruises etc.  The skipped any more intrusive exams as he had an ASD diagnosis and was transferred in from another hospital. I am grateful for that.  He would have been even more traumatized if they had done a rectal exam.
B was there for 8 days with limited visitation and phone calls.  The doctors there were able to get his meds balanced, which with B is no small feat.  However, the teens were allowed to put whatever they wanted on the TV after therapy. They chose horror movies.  My son had never been exposed to graphic horror movies before his time there and has had nightmares since returning.  I don't understand how it is healthy for teens who are in a mental facility for self harm or violence to be exposed to violent, gory, rated R movies with full nudity at the hospital that is supposed to be treating them.  The people on duty would watch the movies with the kids; so they knew what was being played.

Eight days later B came home.  The doctors were able to balance his medications but the hospital experience was traumatizing to him.  I go to sleep haunted by the faces of the kids I waited in the intake waiting room with.  So many of these kids were obviously traumatized by things and situations in their lives.  They are crying out for help.  As a society our solution to that trauma is to slap cuffs on them, stick them in an unsafe and traumatizing waiting area, alone.  Then we admit them to hospitals with little supervision, medicate them and send them back to the very environments that traumatized them to begin with in many cases.   Kids have died in mental hospitals in our area.
We have a national mental health crisis with our young people today.  You have only to turn on the news to know that I speak the truth. How can we help them if the very institutions that are meant to help are so overcrowded that it takes 8 hours to find one bed in a huge metropolitan area ( and we were lucky to find that one, I was told repeatedly)?  How can we help them when they are dropped into traumatizing situations like the one I described, with no one to advocate for them while they are waiting?  How can we help them if while they are in the hospital they are exposed to more violence, gore and sexualization?

Some of you are reading this thinking that this does not affect you so why should you care? Or maybe you think that those kids have it coming to them because they wouldn't be in this situation had they not earned it.  You are wrong.  How many school shootings and mass public attacks is it going to take before we as a nation wake up to the mental health crisis we are facing?  I want to be clear that the majority of people who suffer mental health problems are not violent (only 3% of violent crimes are committed by someone with a diagnosed mental illness).   You may be lucky.  Maybe you or someone you love are not affected by mental illness. However insulated you think you are, let me assure you that you know someone that struggles with mental health issues.  According to NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) 1 in 5 adults has a mental illness.  That is 20% of the adult population. Of those only half receive ANY treatment at all. I am including a link to NAMI's statistics on pediatric mental health issues here: https://www.nami.org/getattachment/Learn-More/Mental-Health-by-the-Numbers/childrenmhfacts.pdf. T encourage you to click the link. There is a lot of important information there.
I know this is a very long article but I needed to share our experiences with you.  We need to make changes to our mental health care system in this country.  The only way those changes are going to happen is if we demand them.  The only way we can demand them is if we know the true state of the mental health care system in our country.  Unfortunately, many of the people in our society who need things to change the most are unable to advocate for themselves.  So we must be their voices.  I reported our experiences to the hospital and more importantly to our insurance company.  I am writing this blog.  I am purposely not obfuscating the institution that we visited because I want to see changes.  I demand better for the most vulnerable members of our society.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

41 Things I've Learned at 41

Today is my birthday.  In usual Skiff fashion, I spent the first few hours of it in the most dramatic way possible; at the hospital, on morphine, with a raging kidney infection.  Fun times.
Now that I am coming down off the drugs, I have decided to make a list of things I have learned over the past 41 years.  The goal is to have 41 lessons I've learned at 41 but I'm not sure that I'm that wise.  But we are going to give it the old college try.

1) Live life laughing.  Let's be honest, life can be crappy at times but if you find something to laugh about, the crap stinks a little less.

2) Be nice to people. This is particularly funny coming from me today because coming down off pain meds makes me a raging bitch.  But on the whole, I have found that if you genuinely smile and are kind to the people in your life, life goes much smoother.

3) Live life charitably.  When you see a need and you have the means to help, help out. It's simple.  The high you get from giving is like no other. You honestly get back so much more than you ever could give.

4) When you give, give freely, with no strings attached.  It isn't truly a gift, unless you have let go of it and any expectation of what will happen to it. A gift with strings, isn't a gift, it's a tool to manipulate.

5)Forgiveness is essential for your mental health.  For real, unforgiveness led me to some very dark places.

6) Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting, nor does it mean that you have to restore the relationship.  Sometimes people are genuinely toxic for you or your family. Forgiving the wrongs the have done against you does not mean that you have to let them back into your life.  You can forgive and move on without them.

7) Have a few ,very close, friends. The kind of friends who will laugh with you at inappropriate things, who will hold your hands and cry with you through the crap that life slings your way and will help you bury the bodies, should the need arise. *I'm not saying that the need has arisen*

8) Have some shallow friends and acquaintances. I'm just learning this one.  We talk about shallow relationships like they are a bad thing. If ALL your relationships are only skin deep, that is an issue. But it is important to have people in your life that you just shoot the breeze with and laugh.  They don't need to know all your crap and you don't need to know theirs.  Not every relationship has to be strong and deep.  It's good to have a little levity in your life.

9) Be young while you're young.  I grew up way faster than I should have.  Looking back, I wish I had embraced my youth and had fun with it.  I was too serious and too responsible way too early.

10) Be grown when you're grown.  You cannot relive your youth.  For everything there is a time and a season.  Enjoy the season you are in because once it is over, it's gone.

11) Embrace your inner bitch.  Now hear me out, I'm not saying that it is okay to just be nasty and bitchy all the time. (refer to lesson 2) However, there are times when you have to be strong, unbending and even short.  If you are a woman, some idiots in the world will view that as you being a bitch.  That's okay. Embrace it; not everyone has to like you.

12) This brings me to my next point: You cannot please everyone. Don't even try. Live life making the best choices you know to make, with a clear conscience. Live the life you want to live.  If you live it trying to make other people happy, you will never succeed and you will be miserable because you aren't being true to yourself.

13) Be true to yourself.  The deepest betrayal, one of the hardest to forgive and overcome, is when you betray yourself.  Live a life that allows you to like the person that you see looking back at you in the mirror.  Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. Believe me, I speak from experience.

14) Have Faith, not religion.  I have a deep and abiding faith but I no longer have a religion.  For years I mistook religiosity as faith.  I look back on those years in shame.  Religion made me intractable and judgmental.  Faith has made me grateful, loving and accepting.

15) I don't know everything. In fact, I know less every year.  I used to think I had the answers to so many of life's quandaries. Everything was so black and white; it was so simple.  Then I grew up and experienced more of life's roadblocks than I had ever anticipated.  I now understand that very few things in life are either simple or black and white.  In deed, most of life is lived in varying shades of grey.....and orange....and blue....and pink....and yellow.  Life is a veritable rainbow of life experiences.  How sad and boring would it be if it really was only black and white.

16) Date and date a lot.  I grew up in the "I kissed dating goodbye" era.  What a foolish notion that was!  Dating is a skill, it takes practice to do it well.  It takes time to know someone.  How incredibly stressful is it to think that every first date is the person you are trying to marry!! Go on casual dates, have fun, get to know a person without the stress of a lifetime hanging over your heads.  For the love of Pete, HAVE FUN!!

17) Make time for fun!! I am working on this one.  Life is short and we only get one chance at it.  Don't spend it so locked down that you miss out on fun!

18) Have adventures!! Again, we only get to do this rodeo once.  Make it a ride that others will talk about long after you are gone

19) Speak truthfully and frankly.  Don't couch everything you say in so much fluff that your point is lost.  Speak your mind. Speak the truth.

20) Balance your truthfulness and frankness with kindness.  Being truthful does not mean you must be harsh.  You can be kind even while being direct.

21) Fly first class, at least once.  Life is short, pay the extra money for the experiences at least once.

22) If you need it, get therapy or take meds.  Do what it takes to be healthy, not only in your body but also in your mind and soul.  There is no shame in admitting you need help.

23) Don't marry your "better half".  Be the better half someone wants to marry.  If you go into marriage expecting the other person to make up for your own lack, you are starting your marriage off ready to fail.  Be the best you. Let them be the best them.  Come together as complete, separate people who are choosing to journey together because you each bring your best self to the table.

24) Find heroes.  Find people that are worthy of your respect, people further along the journey than you.  Listen to them, learn from them, spend time with them just absorbing the character traits you admire. You will become what you surround yourself with.  Surround yourself with greatness.

25) You cannot control anyone or anything but yourself.  It's a hard but real truth.  Accept it and move on with your life.  You cannot change anything or anyone but you.  So work on yourself and stop wasting your time trying to force others to change.

26) Being female does not make you less than. God did not create women as a lesser sex.  We are created equal to men.  Having a penis does not entitle someone to respect or deference.  Respect only people who have earned your respect, regardless of their genitalia.

27) Drive in city traffic (also known as Do the hard things).  It will teach you patience, self control and sharpen your skills.  Also, you will gain self confidence.

28) Learn to fail.  Don't Fail to learn.  You will fail in life because almost everything we do in life takes practice.  So learn to accept failure as part of the journey and learn from it.  If you back away from every challenge out of fear of failure, you will never learn.

29)Get the hair cut.  Hair grows.  Get that funky hair cut or dye your hair the crazy color.  Do it!! If you don't like it, who cares. Hair grows.

30) Do your make-up. Wear the dress.  Wear the fascinator. Bling it out!  We only live once.  Do it with style and pizzazz. (if that's your thing) Don't walk around as a Neutral Nelly if you are Blingy Betty on the inside. Be true to who you are.

31) Remember pain does not last forever.  Whether emotional or physical, this too shall pass.  Don't lose sight of the hope in the midst of the pain.

32) Read all the books!!! You can never read too much.

33) Finish the books you start.....unless they are free on Kindle and completely unreadable!

34) Memorize poetry.  Make it a part of your soul. Quote it often and aloud.

35) Listen to ALL the music. Sing it!! Sing it loudly!!!  Make your very breath a song.

36) Love art! Appreciate it!! Go to the art museums and admire the greats. Buy from the street artist! Collect what you can afford to collect! Support artist just starting out and artist that have been around a long time.  Surround yourself with art that stirs your soul, not what has a great investment value.

37) Create traditions for your children.  Celebrate the holidays and birthdays.  Show them the joy in celebration.  Teach them the reverence of tradition.  Tradition anchors them to the richness past while giving them something to look forward to.

38) Don't treasure things. Treasure people and memories.  Things are temporary and can be gone in an instant.  The memories that we make with the people we love, last a lifetime.  Pass those memories down to your children.  It is important for them to understand where they come from.

39) Make time to be alone.  Make it a priority.  Be comfortable and at peace in your own company.  Take a vacation all by yourself. You need that time to relearn yourself, to ground yourself, to prioritize your life.

40) Age is more than just a number, it is the mile marker of your life.  It shows how long you've been on this journey and how much you have learned along the way. Learn to embrace your age (I'm still working on this).

41) Order the Pop Rock pancakes ( also known as: don't be afraid to do the silly things that make you happy).  Once we went to Denny's; I ordered a special pancake that they had as a promotion for Star Wars. I didn't realize the pancakes came with Pop Rocks on them.  My first bite was an explosion of sizzley, snapping, popping flavor and I LOVED it. My husband and son laughed at my Pop Rocks pancakes because they were so
silly (all in good fun mind you).  But I loved the fun they brought to my life.  And the next time we went to Denny's you better believe I ordered the Pop Rock pancakes once more!  I have no regrets.

41 things for 41 years. If you made it this far, bless you.  I know this has been a long one. However, 41 years earns you a few words (or in my case, more than a few). Happy Birthday To Me!!! Now go buy Pop Rock Pancakes!~ Kristine



Sunday, April 8, 2018

A Glimpse of the Sun

My dark night of the soul is coming to an end. I feel the sun breaking over the horizon; the light at the end of this tunnel is warming my face. 
 I came to the end of myself in a way that I never have before. In the past, when I felt myself crumbling away, I found a way back, whether through faith or some inner strength, I was able to claw my way back from the ledge.  I feared the abyss that awaited me over that cliff; I knew whatever awaited me over that edge was dark and deep.  To fear the unknown is human; it's our survival instinct to fear that which cannot be quantified.  Even now, as I write this, I struggle to relay the depths to which I plummeted when I no longer had the strength or faith to avoid that dark and endless drop off into the unknown.
I know the very moment that my last finger lost the strength to hold on any longer.  It was sitting in the neuro-psychologist office as she officially diagnosed my 13 year old son with schizoaffective disorder;  when I saw the tears that I didn't know I was crying hit the table in front of me.  That was the moment that everything that was left of who I was crumbled away.  I sat through the rest of the appointment an empty shell, the woman who walked into that appointment did not walk out.  She now lay in the rubble at the bottom of the abyss of her person-hood.
For a week, I functioned on auto-pilot. But I knew there was something very wrong with me; the internal strength that had held me steady through all the diagnoses, all the advocating, all the illnesses,homelessness, losing everything....twice,  the strength that I was known for and proud of, was completely gone.  When I wasn't on autopilot, I lay in my bed, tears falling but no grief being expressed.  I was empty. I was gone.
After a week, I messaged the only 2 people in the world that I knew I could trust to tell me the truth; the only two people that I knew would be there no matter what shape I was in.  I knew that this wasn't something my husband or family could help me with. They are too close, too much a part of the person that now lay in pieces. So I called the only two people I knew I could trust with my brokenness.  Those are the kind of friends everyone needs; if you don't have them, find them; find them now.  Because one day you may need someone to look at you as the pieces of yourself are scattered on the floor, and tell you that you need help, real help. You may need them to hold you accountable to get that help. You may need them to be the one's to find the help you need because you don't have it in you.  So find your true friends in the good times because if you ever get to that point, they will be the ones to sweep you up and carry you to the people who can start putting you back together.

I went into therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD.  Yes, living my every day life had given me PTSD.  I sat in my therapist office and she told me if I did not do the work and make the hard choices now, she feared I would lose the ability to ever come back.  I had disconnected from everything that was me; my family, my emotions, the things I loved, the things I hated. Nothing of who I knew myself to be was there.
My entire life I have focused on fixing things for other people, being the reliable one, the strong one.  If I made my list, I was the last thing on it.   But now I had to choose to make myself the priority because if I didn't I was going to end up useless to everyone.

I wish I could tell you that this was a fun process of getting a couple of pedicures and soaking in a few bubble baths; self care done. Check! Kristine is back to being Kristine.
It has been an excruciating process of facing the pain that I haven't let myself deal with because I was too busy dealing with life.  It has been a process of letting go. I had to admit that I am not enough.  I am not enough to fix my kids.  I am not enough to fix my husband's MS.  I'm not even enough to fix myself.  I had to admit that I needed real help and changes had to be made; hard changes.
 I had to accept that my oldest needed emergency help in dealing with his issues, help beyond what I could provide. I had to admit that my youngest mental illness is not something I can fix or even therapy out of him.  He has a chemical imbalance in his brain. The only way to manage that are the kind of meds I never wanted to put my kids on.  I had to let go of the illusion that I was in anyway in control.

I went back to work but that in itself was a journey of self acceptance.   I had to face the fear that I had been out of the workplace too long, that I was no longer relevant. I had to face my fear of failure and inadequacy.  Again one of my ride or die friends brought me the opportunity because I wouldn't have fought those demons unless I was placed in a position where I had to.  I hadn't realized how much my self confidence had taken a beating over the years. But once working, it all started coming back.  It gave me back pieces of myself that I thought I would never get back.  Most people don't know this about me, but being a stay at home mom was very hard for me.  I am not naturally wired that way. I LOVE my kids, don't get me wrong. But I never dreamed of tending the house and raising babies. I always loved working and having a career.  Honestly, I rocked working.  I gave it up because with our kids needs it was necessary that I stay home.  But it took a heavy toll on my sense of self.  Working has restored some of that for me.  I had to learn to be okay with the fact that I was doing something good for me.  The mom guilt ran deep in me.

Honestly, the things I had to face, admit and accept would take a book not a blog to cover in detail.  Suffice to say, in order to come back from the bottom of the abyss of who I was, I had to examine each and every part of my fractured self.  Then I had to rebuild me; actually that isn't even accurate. I had to re-sculpt me from new clay.  The old me was not salvageable.  The me that emerged was different than the one who lay in the rubble at my feet.
 I am still learning to live in this new skin of mine.  I'm stronger and softer at the same time. I am like a toddler in some ways; still unsteady on my feet, still learning what this new me can and can't do.  But for the first time in nearly 20 years, I feel like me.  The real me, not the me that simply survived in the crises and chaos.
The sun is rising. I don't know exactly how all of this is going to play out. I can tell you that I am excited to see what the future holds. I have hope for this new me, who is like the old me only  different.  Thank you for your support and love on my journey.
 If you are the place I was, please get help. Without my friends and therapist, I would not be writing this blog right now.  I honestly don't know where I would have ended up.   This is a journey that my family could not help me with.  It took people outside to drag me to the help I needed.  We cannot do this life alone.  We are not enough and that is okay.   To Donna and Becky, I love you ladies and owe you more than I can ever repay. Thank you!  As always,  love, Kristine

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