Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Glimpse of Hilarious Absurdity

"There is no way you will ever get a BB gun until you can actually aim at the toilet and hit your target!"

"Put your pants on BEFORE you bring out the trash for Pete's sake!"

"Yes, you do have to have BOTH shoes to go into the store.......No they won't let you in with just one.  Why would you leave just ONE of your shoes at church, again?!?"

"Why are there packages of spaghetti noodles IN YOUR BED?.....Scratch that, I don't even want to know the answer to that.  As long as they are sealed just put them back in the pantry ........  Yes, I do mean only the UNopened packages........ because no one wants to eat noodles that you slept on"


These are just a few of the absurd statements that came out of my mouth today.   I was midway through "Turn the potato down, it is getting on my nerves!" when I stopped and considered what exactly what I was saying. I had to finish the sentence through my laughter.   (clarification: I am not going crazy.  One of the kids websites Benny likes has a singing potato and it is VERY irritating!!  You can put the phone down.  There is no need to commit me yet;)  I often share the funny things my kids say, so today I thought you might like to hear the other half of the conversation.  After such a tough day yesterday, it was nice to laugh at myself for a little while.
I hope you got a good laugh too.  Lots of love-Kristine

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Need for Release


When I was 17 years old, I had my first taste of living on my own.  I lived in Ocean City, at a mission, where I was doing missions work for the summer.  My roommate, Amy, and I did everything you can imagine.  We  scrubbed, we cooked, we sang until we had no voice, we were clowns, puppeteers and even counselors.  It was a fabulous summer, one of those sweet moments in life that you capture in the amber of your memory.  You take it out occasionally, hold it up to the light, and really look at it. Then you get a quiet pang around your heart because those sweet moments can't ever be relived.
Because the majority of our ministry happened into the late hours of the night, Amy and I had a tradition of hitting the boardwalk rides right before close.  We would scream away the frustrations of our day on the roller coaster.  Even if we only had a croak of a voice left, it was so therapeutic to just let everything from the day go, in the wildness of the night.  There have been many times over the years, that I have longed for a roller coaster on which to scream away the pain and frustrations of life.
Honestly, this past month I could have used a roller coaster right in my back yard.  So many things have happened, so many daily frustrations are building up, some very deep pains  needing a release.  I want to scream and yell and have no one look at me like I'm crazy......yes I have bedazzled my very own straight jacket, just in case that day should come but I really would prefer a roller coaster ride instead of Bedlam.  
For the sanity of my family, I have spent years learning to hold back my emotions.  I honestly, am not even sure how to let it all out anymore.  My guys on the spectrum need my help to deal with their emotions, they certainly can't handle my feelings and frustrations.  They honestly just can't  process them.  I have friends who love me but I have become so accustomed to being closed off I really have no idea how to just let go in front of them.
So you my readers get to ride the roller coaster of my writing.  It is the best bypass of my brain to my heart. 
So here are the things in my heart.  If they make little sense, please bear with me.

My mind is a jumble of thoughts, that I cannot make sense of
My emotions are a raging sea below mere inches of smooth glass
I chain my heart to my head, I will it to be calm

My life is black and white, my heart longs for color
I want to scream and kick and throw myself down
Instead I sit; tearless, unmoving, untouchable

I strengthen the chains that bind me, I reinforce the glass
I am my own jailer, from me there is no escape
I am slowly willing my heart away.

I'm sorry this isn't my normal, light at the end of the tunnel post but it is what I am feeling tonight.  Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a better one. Lots of love-Kristine





Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Glimpse of Suzanne

Happy Mother's Day to all you, my precious friends.  Today is a heavy Mother's Day for me.  Yesterday my good friend, neighbor and fellow spectrum momma shuffled off this mortal coil and left a hole in so many of our hearts.  She leaves behind a devoted husband and two beautiful children.  On this day where we all honor the mothers in our lives, I wanted to pay a special tribute to a mother who loved her children passionately, who fought desperately for them and whose absence today is felt so very much.
I remember very clearly the day Susie and I first met.  My phone was ringing and I did not recognize the number.  Normally, I just let those calls go straight to voice mail but something told me to answer this all.  I answered and a woman, whom I had never met, told me she had been given my number because her son had recently been diagnosed with gifted Aspergers.  She called a complete stranger and an hour and a half later when we hung up we were good friends. We had so many things in common, so many of the same life challenges.  We had laughed and cried and shared more of our lives in an hour and a half than many people share after years.  My son Paul and her son became fast friends at school and it turned out we were neighbors, living only a block or so from each other.  I will miss her phone calls and unexpected visits.  I will miss seeing her walk around the neighborhood, lost in thought and yet still on a mission.  I will miss her in my life.
Last night I told Paul about Susie's passing.  He and I stayed up late talking about her and the way she affected his life.  We grieved together for our loss and for the much greater loss to her family.  Paul asked me quite sincerely "Mom, when can I go to my friend and be a good friend to him?  When can I tell him I feel sympathy for him?  I can't stop crying, so I know my friend is crying a lot more than me because this is his mom."  At that moment, I saw a glimpse of the man growing inside of my boy. I'm  really proud of him.  
We talked about the unanswerable questions of life:  Why? How can this happen?   We took comfort in the things we do know.  Paul's literal, Aspie mind was very comforted by Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;s3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;s6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;s7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

He said to me "Mom, I don't understand why now was the time.  I don't think it is fair and I am feeling angry but I know that God said it was time.  Maybe he just really wanted her with him."  I think my 11 year old child said it better than I ever could so I will close with that.  All my love Susie, you are so missed.  All my love Jeff and kids, our hearts break with you and for you.  We are here.  All my love friends, may we never take each other for granted.- Kristine

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

A year, such a benign thing
12 long months
52 busy weeks
365 flashing by yesterdays

When I was young girl, today I would turn a year older and tomorrow I was reaching for the next year to be over. I had plans to accomplish.  I had dreams to achieve.  I had a life awaiting me, ready to start.  C'mon lets go!! 
When I was a new mom, today I would turn a year older and I would barely notice.  My busy weeks ran into each other.  Each week indistinguishable from the next, an endless parade of laundry,diapers, bottles, Orajel and infants Tylenol.  Will this ever end?
Now in the prime of life, today I turn a year older and fondly miss yesterday.  My days fly by, a flurry of activities and commitments.  Each day marked off the calendar faster than the last.   Can I slow it down for just a little while? 

Happy 30E to me (for new readers, I no longer have number birthdays.  I am now on the letter system;)!!
What a year this has been!!  Thank you so much for tagging along for the ride.  I am so grateful to each of you for being here, supporting me and holding me accountable.   
This past year has been a year of unbelievable growth in so many areas of my life.  Growth has such sweet connotations, spring, new budding leaves, flowers just starting to bloom, the fresh clean smell after a spring rain.....sweet, beautiful growth. However, growth is also painful at times.  It means stretching beyond what is comfortable into the unknown.  It means that something old has to die so that something new has fertile soil in which to grow.  This year has been full of letting go of the old to make room for the new and of the growing pains of life.   Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying the pleasantness of the new growth in my life.  I love it actually but I must acknowledge the path that has led here was at times difficult.  However difficult, I pray that I continue to grow this coming year.  I never want a year to go by where I become complacent and  cease to be willing to change and grow.   I have many mountains left to climb, many dreams I have yet to accomplish.  
This year I will be facing down my oldest turning 12 (the precipice of the dreaded teen years).  I have always said that once my boys became teenagers I would stick them in a barrel and feed them through a hole.  Obviously this is in jest, but the truth remains that I am not naturally gifted with teenagers.  Heck, I didn't even like teenagers when I was a teenager;) All those raging hormones getting in the way of common sense or even common courtesy tends to set my teeth on edge.  I skipped most of the teenage shenanigans back in the day.  So I don't even have those years as a point of reference for me to have some empathy or even sympathy.  This year I think may be my most stretching yet when it comes to parenting.  Please pray that I survive it along with my boys;)
Another challenge in this next year is my health.  I am making it a priority to get myself back into a healthy life style.  My whole body is our of sync right now, sleep cycle, weight, and just over-all health.  I say this as I'm eating a chocolate chip cookie.......yeah I still have lots of work;)
My last area of intentional growth for this coming year is my writing.  With the boys going back to school next fall, I am looking forward to really stretching myself to finish that novel I've started and restarted too many times to count.  
To sum things up I offer this toast (imagine me lifting a glass of something sparkly) "To the year that has passed, I am grateful for all the sweet times, the hard times, the laughter and the tears.  30D was very good to me.  To this coming year, I look forward to the challenges you will throw my way, to the sweet success of accomplishment and even to the bitter tears of failure because it all means that I am continuing to learn and grow.  Here's to 30E!!" Lots of love-Kristine

Monday, April 30, 2012

A Glimpse of Me

For three hours I stared at the screen, listened to music, stared again blankly at the screen.  For three hours I typed, backspaced, typed some more, erased everything and started over.  For three hours I wrestled a massive case of writers block.  Suddenly inspiration struck.  I would consult the ever wise sage "Facebook" for wisdom.  Surely, one of my extremely bright and witty friends would inspire me.  So I posted a plea asking for a suggestion of what topic people would enjoy reading about.  I told myself I would arise to whatever literary challenge that was presented me.....as long as it wasn't about my sex life (hey there are some topics that should never be blogged about..this tops my list;)  A wonderful friend responded that I should blog about myself.  Easy peasy right?!? After all, my blog is always about my thoughts.  But this is where my friend's genius came in (some may claim evil genius....I'll let you decide that for yourself after you have read this blog;).  She stipulated that I should write about what goes on in my head apart from family and autism.  No longer is this the walk in the park I had anticipated.  It is much harder for me to still myself to actually hear my own thoughts.  So everyone fasten your life jackets and hop aboard this boat if you dare. You are about to enter my stream of consciousness and there be rapids ahead;)
I must be honest, this past week I gave myself and the boys a partial week off.  We have switched curriculum and needed a moment to exhale after 8 months of being in a pressure cooker.  I spent some time reading  books, reviewing a couple of others, staring blankly into space and daydreaming.  When I was a girl my daydreams had several plot twist (Yes I dream in full novel form).  In one such plot I was an Olympic  figure skater.  I overcame unspeakable odds to achieve the highest of all accolades in the sport the Olympic gold medal!!  Now, those of you who know me need to pick yourself off the ground and get your uncontrollable laughter under control.  I will assume your untimely outburst is due to the trauma that was inflicted upon you as you watched my two less than successful attempts at even standing on ice skates.   I'm sorry you had to see that. If I could, I would remove your memory of me repeatedly falling and taking out every other skater within ten feet of me.  Needless to say, I am still Olympic gold medal-less.  My foolish daydream never came to fruition.  My daydreams have aged as much as I have and yet they are still as foolish.  When I find myself that spare moment to stare into space and drift into the comforting arms of my imagination the scenes are very different.  No longer am I a figure skater or a judge on the Supreme Court or the female version of Indiana Jones.  No, now my day dreams revolve around waking up and finding my house completely and miraculously cleaned.  Wonderful little sprites come in the still of midnight and scrub, sweep, mop and launder everything in sight.  In this daydream, I awake to birds chirping brightly, a wonderfully cleaned house (I am of course many pounds lighter as well).  My perfectly groomed and well mannered boys knock quietly at my door and offer to make me a gourmet breakfast and to call the cleaning sprites back to re-clean the kitchen. CRASH!!!!  Oh, I'm sorry that was the sound of a lamp crashing and rudely jarring me back to reality;)

I also read several books this week.  The one that sticks with me the most is Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.  My pastor is doing a wonderful message series on the book of Hosea.  It is a harsh but beautiful love story in the Old Testament.  The story revolves around the prophet Hosea being called by God to marry a prostitute.  His wife strays repeatedly from him and yet he loves her through everything ( even when his love is tough love).  It is a picture of God's love for Israel and by extension His love for us. I mentioned to a good friend that other than in Bible school, I had never heard a message series on the book of Hosea taught in church (mostly because it is a very hard story to preach and the text is full of words like whoredom. Not everyone appreciates hearing about whoredom from the pulpit).  I was so refreshed to see our pastor take up the challenge.  My friend responded that I HAD to read Redeeming Love.  Since it was my semi-off week I took her advice.  My friends, if you have the time READ THIS BOOK!!  It is an amazing fictionalization of the story.  The book of Hosea lends itself well to dramatization.  Like Shakespeare's plays some stories are meant to be seen.  Hosea's story is definitely one of those.  Be prepared this is a harsh book to read and has some very disturbing themes.  This novel made me go to some places in my own life that I thought best forgotten.  However, even in our deepest pain God wants to minister his healing love and mercy.  There is no sin so great and no hurt so deep that God will cease to love us.  His love is deeper, wider and yes tougher than anything we can throw at it.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about friends that are in seriously hard places in their lives.  I have one friend in particular who is hospitalized with a serious illness.  If she comes to your mind please send up a prayer for her.  My heart breaks that I can't rescue all of you who are facing such hard places, whether emotional, physical, financial or a combination of all three.  I am by nature a doer.  Right now, it seems all I can do for you is pray.  And praying I am!!  You, my friends are not alone even when it feels like you are.

I came to several realizations about myself this week as well.  One is that I miss my me time.  I am drained by all that this year has held and I need a break. Another is that I am homesick.  I was driving behind an  Old Dominion freight truck and I nearly broke down into tears.  I am homesick for the Chesapeake, salt air, blue crabs, sand in my shoes (and other unmentionable places), for historical monuments on every corner, and for my family and friends that I have not seen in so long.  I am going home in July for my cousins wedding and it can't get here soon enough.  Lastly, I spent time thinking about where I have come from and where I am now and being overwhelmed with gratitude for God's mercy and grace on me through out the journey.  Over the past few weeks, the members of our home group each shared a bit of their journey (their testimony for those of you who speak Christianese;)  My husband shared his this week.  Seeing our journey, through his eyes, brought things back to my remembrance I had honestly forgotten; struggles and miracles that should never be over looked.  I am beyond overwhelmed by God's mercy and redeeming love.

So that is a large part of my inner thought life for the week.  I hope this gave you the glimpse into my head you wanted.  If not, no worries, I'll get back to family and autism stuff next week;)  Lots of love- Kristine

Friday, April 20, 2012

A Glimpse of Politics

I try my best to keep this blog a politics free zone. I do believe it is important to stay informed and to exercise our responsibility as citizens and vote. However, I try to stay out of the political arena as much as possible on this site. That being said, I am going to wade in a little ways today. I will not be discussing the ends and outs of my personal political leanings. I am going to discuss the importance of maintaining our integrity and witness throughout the political process. This was amplified to me through a FaceBook posting from my 15 year old niece. She called the way the campaigns are being run "dirty games". With the political landscape heating up both here in small town USA and in the national arena, I am seeing mudslinging and disrespect being stirred up everywhere.
We are blessed to live in a small town. I love the fact that although the grocery store is less than a mile form my house and I'm only picking up milk, I know it will be at least a thirty minute trip simply because I will invariably run into at least two people who will know me and want to chat. I love that people know us, our kids and even our cats;) I love being part of a community where most of the town still turns out for Christmas parades and Fourth of July fireworks. Community is often so lost in today's transient, hustle and bustle society. It is important to me that my boys understand and participate in community.
Another part of small town USA is that the political shenanigans are amplified even more simply because you are bound to personally know most of the players in one way or another. It really is no different that what happens nationally and honestly that is what concerns me most. It seems to me we have lost the ability to have civil political discourse in this country as a whole. Instead of sincere and honest political discussion and debate we have resorted to adolescent name calling and finger pointing. In doing this, I think often we lose sight of one important fact. The more you participate, the more others will judge your character and more importantly your witness. As the old saying goes "You can't fling mud without getting muddy yourself." This is especially true for those of us who claim to be Christians. The world isn't just judging us personally by our actions but they are also judging the One whom we represent. Believe it or not Jesus is not a Republican or a Democrat. His message was not about lowering or raising taxes. He died on a cross for us no matter where we stand on immigration, gas prices or the economy. I truly believe my actions and witness are way more important than what party line I adhere to. For this reason, I believe it is imperative that we examine our actions and words and how they reflect on the One whose reflection we are meant to be. I am not saying that we should not care about the important political issues that face our world today. In fact, I care very deeply about them. I vote in every election whether for City Council or for the position of President of the United States of America. I simply want to be able to walk up to the voting booth without stepping in muck.

Friday, April 6, 2012

A Glimpse of Jesus

Today, this most Holy and solemn of all our celebrations, I remember. Today, I am humbled by Jesus great sacrifice for me.....human, sinfilled, mistake prone, graceless, me. Today, for me, Jesus bled. Today, for me, Jesus was betrayed. Today, Jesus looked into the vastness of eternity and carried my sin, my disgrace all the way to the cross on the hill.
Today, I am somber. Today, I am quiet. Today, I am reverent. Sunday there will be joy. Sunday there will be triumph. Sunday there will be eternity. But today I sit in reverent gratitude for all my Saviour suffered for me. Today I remember the sky grew as black as night. Today I remember the temple veil was forever rent in two. Today I remember earthquakes and the dead come to life. Today I remember rivers of blood, unimaginable pain, undeserved mercy, unfathomable grace.

This blog gives glimpses into my life. Those glimpses reveal the mundane, the important, the foolish, and the sweet moments that make my life what it is. Today on Good Friday I would be remiss if I did not give you a glimpse at the most important person in my life. He is the reason that I am who I am. He gives me the grace to live the daily life I live. He is my sanity, He is my forgiveness, He is my grace, He is my Lord. His love has saved me, His mercy has redeemed me and it is to him I owe everything. His name is Jesus and He loves you too. I know not all of you who read my blog know Him. I know some of you actually judge Him by the humanity and weakness you see in people ,like me, who claim to be His children. Oh, but He is not us. He is perfect love, He is perfect grace, He is perfect righteousness, He is perfect forgiveness, He is perfect Holiness....He is perfect peace. He is waiting for you. He loves you. He already knows everything you have done and will do and He still loves you. This is my Jesus. I pray that He is your Jesus too.

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