Sunday, February 26, 2012

A Glimpse of Vulnerability

To be transparent, to be free
To be vulnerable, to be brave
To swallow my own dread and apprehension
To clasp those around me to my true self
To let go of my silent inhibition
To grant you access to my silly self
This is my desire
This is my fear
-Kristine Skiff



There are times when writing this blog is uncomfortable for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE sharing my life with you this way. However, being transparent and vulnerable is not always a comfortable thing for me. The fact is that I am actually much more comfortable getting lost in my own little world when things get tough. So much so, that when my friends have not seen a facebook posting from me in 48 hours they begin lighting up my phone with text messages asking what is wrong because they know the only time I'm quiet is when something is going on. If they don't get a satisfactory response they show up at my doorstep to check in on me. First, I have to say I have awesome friends that care enough about me to notice (and believe me I do not take them for granted) but again this places me in the sometimes uncomfortable position of confronting things I would much rather just ignore until I am ready. The past month has been one where I have been forced to face somethings I prefer to ignore, vulnerabilities have been exposed that I thought I had covered in thick armor. I can't say truthfully that I have figured out all the answers. The things I am facing are not simple fix things. There is no pretty princess band-aid that will make these things all better. However, I am learning in a deeper way the importance of friends that speak truth into your life, the importance of being vulnerable enough to share the deepest pains and trials with a select few.
Vulnerability, transparency these things are often scoffed in today's society. Society teaches us only a fool exposes his vulnerability to anyone. Society teaches us our weaknesses are weapons that will be used against us. Society says to obscure our trues selves so that no one has the opportunity to reject us. There is the truth that we should not lay our pearls before swine. We certainly should be wise with who we choose to share our deepest pains and struggles with. Unfortunately for many of us, we choose not to share with anyone at all. Best to be alone than to risk rejection; it's better to keep everyone at arms length where no one can get close enough to hurt us. If you are like me these lessons are hard won. People have used my weaknesses against me. People have broken my trust, people have broken my heart. Even in my forgiveness of others, I have become calloused toward people. If I am going to be completely honest here there are some walls I have no idea how to take down. I am by no means completely arrived on this journey of vulnerability. Indeed, i am taking my own wobbly baby steps. But I know the truth remains that God calls us to a life of transparency and vulnerability, to a life of beautiful brokenness. Some of you read that word brokenness and think of weakness. It is my contention that true brokenness takes incredible strength. To be totally open before God, allowing him to use you in whatever way he chooses, to know that no matter what happens in this life, what hurts you may encounter, that he is able to and WILL take care of you. Yes transparency and vulnerability take great faith. Faith is one of those words some of you will have a hard time reading. Some of you have been wounded by people who use the word faith like a weapon, telling you that if you had enough faith healing would have occurred or money would have arrived or you would have been protected. That isn't faith. That is manipulation. Faith isn't about how much you give or how much you are healed or what car you drive. Faith is a condition of your heart. Faith is having the confidence within your heart of hearts of who God is, of his true character, of his love for you, of his everlasting, unchangeable, always just, always righteous nature. Faith isn't about what you can get out of God or what he can do for you. Faith is about your relationship with an unfathomable God. Faith is about having the confidence to do and be what God has called you to because you know in your knower that God has you in the palm of his hand. And here is where all this comes full circle for me: If I truly have faith in who and what God is I have no choice but to be venerable and transparent to the people He has placed around me.
So this is what God has been working in me personally over the past couple of weeks. I know it isn't funny, or about the family, or about autism but it is about me....the real me that is still learning and growing. Hopefully I din't bore y'all too much but this my heart tonight as I sit and contemplate, in the quiet of the evening. Lots of love-Kristine

Saturday, February 18, 2012

A Glimpse of the plague

The Queens Song of Lamentation
(Yes this is a mite overly dramatic. But I reserve the right to be a smidgen melodramatic after the past two weeks;)
Sickness, Sickness It's everywhere
Stay away; we won't share
Behind the post, locked behind the door
Still it's coming more and more
I look in the mirror, I look to the sea
Sickness, sickness drowning me
Children sweating, eyes a'glaze
I'm so tired, in a daze
Tomorrow comes, Tomorrow goes
Sickness, Sickness flows; it flows
Antibodies join the fight
Someone, Someone show the light
Say that this is gonna end
that tomorrow is again my friend.
Sickness, Sickness it's everywhere
Coming, Coming past my dare


Skiffdom has been under attack. It's defenses have been breached and the enemies have laid siege to the kingdom. The Queen has been fighting a long hard battle for two weeks; desperately trying save her people from the pillages of war. Finally a thick, thick mist has settled upon Skiffdom, obscuring the travelers view of the kingdom. This warrior mist carries scent of linen and kills 99% of all invading armies. It is written in the text of old that whenever the kingdom is under attack, the Queen must call upon the mist of Lysol and the kingdom shall be saved. It is said that once the mist has been called the Queen must journey to the pool of Clorox. From the pool she will draw buckets of the sparkling liquid and wash all the kingdom in it's pungent waters. All linens and garments of white shall be soaked in the waters which will kill any lingering germs and restore the linens to their snowy glory. Thus the queen labors to rout the enemy and bring victory to the Land of Skiff.


I HATE strep with an abiding, deep passion!!! There I said it, I feel better now;) Strep has been the bane of our existence. At least twice a year we fight this nasty, disgusting bug. I'm not sure exactly why we Skiff's are so strep prone. There are studies that indicate a link between high incidents of strep and autism. Whether this is plays a part or not, I can't tell you for certain. What I can tell you is that if strep is within 100 miles of the Skiff household we will get it; not we will probably get it. No, we will definitely , without fail get it. This has made me quite the expert on the treatment of strep in our house. Normally it is taken care of with little fuss or muss. However, this particular strep outbreak managed to take me down as well. This has made for an interesting last week to say the least. As the saying goes "If momma ain't happy; aint't nobody happy". Not only did I get strep but I also developed an allergy to the antibiotics, probably due to its interaction with another medication that I take. On the night I had the reaction (because all emergencies must happen late on a Friday night when all doctors offices are closed. This is the law of Skiffland) I was very blessed to have a dear friend who kept checking on me throughout the night into the wee hours of the morning, even offering to drive me to the hospital (which thankfully was unnecessary). Thankfully, I think the worst is over. I think we are FINALLY on the mend.
Throughout these past few weeks, we have been incredibly blessed to have friends checking on us daily, offering their help in any way, and making us smile. Today as I was out getting my new prescription and my boys tacos for lunch I passed a friend in the parking lot. She waved me over had handed me a necklace through the car window. This just made a nice ending to a really rough week. So this is your glimpse of Skiffdom, plague ravaged but still incredibly blessed. Thanks to you my friends, wherever you may be. You are each a blessing to me. Lots of Love-Kristine

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Raw Glimpse of a Caretaker

I remember when my boys were babies and we were still brand new to this spectrum thing, I would often look out the windows of my house and see steel bars. Not literal bars but they were as real as the bars on any prison window. Every stay at home mom of small children can at times feel house bound but when you are a caretaker for someone with special needs the reality is often you are chained to your home. A caretaker is not necessarily someone who has a child with special needs. It can be someone who is caring for an aging parent, or caring for a loved one who is fighting cancer, or an invalid spouse. A caretaker is someone who is responsible for the care and wellbeing of someone who is unable to care for themself for an extended period of time. The amount of effort and expense it takes to find someone to fill your shoes for just a few minutes makes the simplest outing feel as impossible as a trip to the moon. People are quick to tell you "Oh honey you need to take a few minutes for you. It isn't healthy for you to be cooped up all the time." After about the dozenth time of hearing this, you just smile, nod and move on with your day. It isn't that you don't want to get out or that you are too stubborn to take a break; the truth of the matter is you can't. Even the well-meaning who offer help soon become overwhelmed and just disappear after handling only a fraction of your daily existence. So now what you’re left with are concerned friends that add yet another layer of guilt on your already unbearable load because you aren't taking proper care of your own needs.
This is a very real problem in our community. Burn out, depression, and loneliness for caretakers makes the day to day life seem overwhelming. Even extended family members have no idea how to help you. The truth is often caretakers feel like Job, abandoned by God and man, except for the "friends" who always are there to point out what you should be doing differently. It isn't that people cease to care but it is heart wrenching. It is often easier to turn our back on the situation than it is to continually be faced with such heartbreak. Even the church is guilty of this. We judge, we rationalize, we get busy but rarely do we stop our daily lives to help.
I spent years in this place. I was so desperate for help that I once wrote a note asking the Mormon missionary girls who were constantly in my neighborhood if they would be willing to babysit my kids (for pay) once a week while I cleaned my house. I stuck the letter on their windshield (they always parked on the street in front of my house). I figured I could deal with a little proselytizing if it meant I could do the dishes without someone getting hurt or melting down. They never came back to my house. I'm pretty sure they were convinced I was some sort of freak or an axe murderer. In actuality, I was desperate. It wasn't that we didn't have a church or family. We did but for whatever the reason, and there were a myriad of reasons, there was no help for to be had.
We have been blessed the past 4 years to be in a community where we are surrounded with friends that are a true support to us. I never knew what it was like to have this kind of support; I didn't know it was even possible. I am beyond grateful for the friends who now walk this road called life with us. But oh how my heart breaks for my fellow sojourners on these roads that are still walking alone. I know your road well. I know how your shoulders ache at the end of the day from the load they have carried, I know how you cry alone in the night (when no one else can see the tears), I know how there are days when you would trade all you had just to go to McDonald's and grab a cup of coffee by yourself. To just sit there for ten minutes without a thing needed from you. It isn’t that you resent what you are doing, it isn’t that you love the ones you are caring for less. It’s just that you are so very tired.
Yesterday I was privileged to attend a conference held through a national Christian organization that ministers to women. I love this ministry and see the huge amount of good they do. However, when I asked if they had any ministry geared for caretakers I was told no. They were very open to hearing my ideas but as of now they have nothing. That answer broke my heart. Caretakers are a large demographic of our society yet they are so easily over looked and disregarded.
So today I am publicly acknowledging a problem and I am asking you my fellow sojourners for your input. Tell me how a ministry could best reach you, how could they lighten your load enough so that you can for one day be around other believing women and be strengthened. Please tell me what this would look like to you. Comment below or if you prefer email me at kristine.skiff@gmail.com. I really need to hear from you. I want to put together a comprehensive plan that details out what is most helpful to you.
To you my friends who are not a caretaker, I challenge you today to look around you. I challenge you to open your eyes to the ones that are easily over looked. I challenge you to give of yourself, of your time, of your resources, of whatever you are able, to make a difference in just one person's life. Those 30 minutes you sit with the children or the aging parent could be a lifeline to drowning person. You have no idea how very much 30 minutes of your time could change the entire week for someone. For me 30 minutes to clean my kitchen would have made a world of difference. I love you all so very much. I do not write this to condemn or to point fingers. I write this because we are called to the least of these and sometimes the least of these are the people we think are the strongest. Sometimes the least of these are the ones who carry the world on their shoulders. Lots of love-Kristine

Saturday, February 4, 2012

My Defense of Neuro-Diversity

I was running late as usual. I rushed into the meeting room, slightly out of breath, and found the closest chair. I sat back and observed the faces around the hastily pushed together tables. Mostly women with a few men scattered in the mix. Many faces were tired, shoulders heavy from having the weight of the worlds they carried on them. These are my fellow sojourners, I thought. These are me only a few short years ago. How I understand the load these precious few carry. How I understand that blessing often comes wrapped in the swaddling cloth of burden. My moment of observation ended as I was introduced. I smiled and added a few details about my life. Then the questions started, questions I love to answer, answers I hope help to unwrap blessing from the clothing of burden and rewrap it in the swaddling cloth of hope. Yes, these are my fellow sojourners and I have an amazing story to tell them. The story of my journey as the mother of children with special needs.
I was honored to be invited to attend a parent meeting put on through our local SEPAC (Special Education Parent Advisory Committee) board. I was blessed to sit on the board before I removed our children from the public school. I know firsthand what a fantastic group of people this is . They have amazing hearts for the special needs community within our town. They would never expect it but I send them huge kudos for the work they do within our community.
I get asked all sorts of questions about our journey. "What doctor do you use?", "Did this or that diet work for your family?", "What is an IEP or an ARD (as they are known in TX)?", "How can I effectively advocate for my child?" The questions are as varied as the spectrum itself.
The truth of the matter is that autism is spectral and every child is completely unique and individual; so what works for me may or may not work for anyone else. However, there are some basics that go across the spectrum. I say it often and frequently: my attitude was the first thing that changed before ANYTHING else did. I had to change my whole view. You see originally autism was something that had happened to us. It was a future robbing, energy sucking, and sanity stealing tragedy. I had to learn to embrace autism. Now many people think this makes me a Pollyanna. I don't know how often I've heard "You wouldn't feel that way if your child was more severe." or "You are not living in reality! Autism is something to fight, to cure. You might as well say that cancer is to be embraced."
Let me clarify. First and foremost embracing autism does not mean that I do not believe in therapy. I believe firmly in getting my children the most help I can to help them succeed in the world. Every child must be given tools to make his or her way out in the world. For a spectrum child, their tool belt must have many adaptive tools. In embracing autism, I accept that autism is lifelong, it does not go away. It is the way my children were made and we will work within the frame work we were given rather than fight against it. Secondly when I first embraced autism my son Jamie was severe. He screamed for at least 10 hours a day. He beat his head bloody if I didn't restrain him fast enough. He did not talk. He was not toilet trained. He broke my heart every, single day because I could not reach him. In this time is when I learned to embrace autism. You see the doctors gave me little hope for Jamie. They wanted me to medicate him to control the melt downs. I said to myself and God "God you did not give me this child without a plan. You knit him together in my very womb. I don't know what that plan is but I do know that Jamie is fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that he is not broken. I love the son that you gave me and I promise to do the very best we can for him. I accept that he has autism. Now please show me how to be the best possible mother to the son you gave me." Let me tell you that is a hard place to come to. To come accept the people in your life the way God gave them to you opposed to the way you want them to be. It was at this point that I was able to truly get Jamie help. You see before I didn't want my son to be labeled. I feared what others would think. However, Jamie being "labeled" was the absolute best thing for him. I was able to get him therapies that helped him to build the bridges of communication he needed. In Jamie's case he slowly became fully verbal. This does not happen for every child, some children remain non-verbal. This however does not reflect upon their intelligence or the plan God has for their lives. If you need proof watch the documentary "A Mother's Courage: Talking Back to Autism” It is AMAZING the huge strides being made within the nonverbal community.
Neurodiversity Rock is the mantra you will hear often in our house. I want my boys to understand and accept that God does not make mistakes. That he created each and every one of us as individuals with a purpose in this life. I have learned more from the least of these than I have ever learned from the learned and great. My life has been revolutionized by this. My family’s lives have been changed and the world in which we live our lives is being changed. God does not make mistakes, my children are not broken and neurodiversity truly does rock.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

A Glimpse of a week in Skiffland



I've spent all weekend trying to compose a masterful, deep and insightful blog for you my loyal readers. However, I must be honest this week was not masterful, neither was it deep, nor was it insightful. This week was actually more of a let's just get through it and hope that everyone is standing and sane at the end of it all kind of weeks. This being said, I decided to give you a glimpse of Skiffland, at its best, through my FaceBook post this past week. Hold on to your hats folks, Crazy has just entered the building.

Sunday

"Sometimes I frustrate myself....like when I drive all the way down to Walmart only to discover I grabbed the wrong card before I left (not that such a thing actually happened to me today, 15 minutes ago or anything;)."
Really when I started the week off this way I should have known I was heading for a rough ride.

Later that night
"When I was a teenager I spent a year and half intensely studying British history, along with the history of Scotland and Ireland.....yes I was a nerd and no I had no life. However on the very rare occasion my misspent youth comes in handy. Like tonight when I watched a movie on the Stone of Destiny and actually could follow the plot line. The moral of the story is if you spend a long period of your youth dedicated to studying the history of other countries (I spent 2 years on Russian history) you may not be able to land a paying job but you too can be an informed movie watcher. The End"
Such self actualization should not come at 1 am....just saying.

Monday

"School days, school days....but first a quick pick of the house. While the cat was away, namely me busy blogging Sat and feeling crummy Sun, the mice of this house sure did play;)"
Oh poor me....I was suffering some serious delusions here. In defense of my delusional state this was PRE coffee.

Later after Women's Bible study
"I laughed until my head hurt tonight. I love when I am able to do that:)"
By the way thanks to the ladies at my Bible study! I think that impression I did of an out of control woman laughing so hard she had tears rolling down her cheeks may have saved me a trip to the funny farm later in the week.

Tuesday
"Today I offer a toast to Tuesday. May you be kinder than your brother Monday, smoother than your brother Wednesday and sweeter than your sister Saturday. I raise my mug (read gallon sized bucket of coffee;) to you"

Never again will I toast another day...just saying.

"Today I am renting out one over emotional ten year old boy with a real flair for the dramatic. He will dazzle and amaze you with such classics of the stage as: "You've Ruined My Life! (watch as I stomp up the stairs)" "I Hate Dishes and I Hate You" "There Is No Food In This House that I Like, I'll Just Go To My Room and Starve to Death" "All My Brothers Annoy Me and So Do You" and my personal favorite "I Don't Need To Do School Because I Don't Want To Have A Job...EVER" Yes for a limited time all these and more can be yours for the low, low price of FREE!!! Hurry now and we will include the bonus material of "My Life Sucks." and "You Love all My Brothers More than Me" at absolutely No Charge!!!"
Yup this about sums up my morning well.

By the end of the day
"They're coming to take me away he-he ho-ho."
They never did show up. all I can figure is they saw footage of me laughing at Monday night Bible study and decided I was too great a risk to them.

Wednesday
I didn't even bother with a morning post after the way Tuesday treated me after my kindly greeting.

Later in the afternoon
"We are taking a break midday here at Skiff Academy. They are cleaning their mess up in the playroom. I am taking a shower and making lunch....seems like this is a great division of the work load to me;)"

Not stated in this sweet little post is the reason we took that midday break was that momma needed a time out. After a full morning of all my guys melting down I was done. Time to refocus. Yay me for taking a shower instead of putting my kids in a box a shipping them to grandma. Yup I deserve a gold star for this.

"If I laugh a little too loudly during The Big Bang Theory, it's only because I can relate a little too much"

I think this says all that needs to be said. If you haven't watched the Big Bang Theory please do and then think how my husband said he doesn't understand why Sheldon is funny because to him Sheldon makes perfect sense.

Thursday
Again no morning toast....I learned a valuable, unforgettable lesson on Tuesday

"Today in Skiff corner I see a pile of clean spoons on the end table next to the sofa. Me: Jamie why are you dragging my spoons all over the house again?
Jamie: But they're new spoons and that makes them interesting.
Me: the reason we have new spoons is because you lost all the old spoons. I'm curious why do you like spoons so much?
Jamie: Because they are shiny and I can see my reflection in them. They make the sound all spoons make and I like the way they are smooth not rough like our other spoons ( our other spoons have a pattern on the handle). I love these glimpses into how my guys mind works. He is pretty cool."


This was a pretty cool moment in my week. I love all the cool lessons in life my kids teach me. Here I only take time to look at a spoon as I'm setting a table with it, eating with it, washing it or putting it away. Yet my son took the time to find beauty in what I barely notice. So many life lessons here.

Later in the day
"Two boys sent to their beds in time out, one boy sent to the bath to chill out, one on the computer for reward time, another on a computer for school time. Could someone please send me to naptime?"

A friend very kindly told me if I pouted well enough and complained loudly enough she would send me to bed for a nap. It was a nice gesture but no ap was in the cards for me.

Friday

3am Friday morning
"One Alex with a stomach bug. Poor little guy"

No commentary necessary. I'll let you use your imaginations here;)

Later in the day
"Alex is fine now. I'm not sure what he had but it was fast moving so I'll take it"

Yay for fast moving tummy bugs. If your going to get one this is the best kind to get.

Saturday

"I've got nothing folks. All my wit is used up. Stop by again tomorrow after I have had time to recharge it"

And that folks was my week as seen through my FaceBook post. I have to say it gives a pretty good picture of what went down here in Skiffland. I hope you got a good laugh out of our escapades. Here's hoping for a better week. Lot's of love-Kristine

Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Glimpse of learning to forgive

This week has been quite hectic in the land of Skiff. I'm not going to go into details but I will say two of our school days I had nine kids. This was actually an awesome experience for us. The four extra I had are wonderful kids and they were a blessing to our family while they were here. Yet in between all hectic craziness of life I have found myself in a contemplative mood. A friend posted on Facebook asking how can you truly forgive if you can't forget. This has been one of those life lessons for me that was difficult. I gave my somewhat shortened answer (y'all know I am never truly short;) However throughout the week I have found myself going back to that conversation and remembering the life experiences that brought about my learning. Then last night I watched Wuthering Heights (the BBC version). For those of you who don't know Wuthering Heights is Emily Bronte's novel of passions gone astray and a true lesson in the perils of unforgiveness. The story is based upon Catherine (known as Cathy) and our anti-hero Heathcliff (the ward her father took in as a child when he was found wandering the streets) and Cathy's brother Hindley. Hindley hates Heathcliff on sight and treats him terrible. However his reign of terror is short lived. He is sent away to boarding school, a common practice of the day, and Cathy and Heathcliff grow up wandering the moors together and are desperately in love by the time they come of age. Then the plot turns nasty. Cathy's father. Heathcliff's protector, dies leaving the estate to Hindley. Hindley strips Heathcliff of everything, sending him to live in the barn and beating him whenever the notion should strike. Heathcliff's hate and rage boil inside of him despite Cathy's pleas for him to forgive and choose love. I am not going to ruin the story for you. I will say if you read it or watch the movie be sure to have plenty of tissues nearby and know that this story does not tie itself into a nice pretty bow at the end. It is well worth the time to read the novel because the depth of the characters can never truly be portrayed upon the screen.
This blog is not my analysis of Wuthering Heights. Far greater minds than mine have done this way better than I will ever be able to. This blog is about forgiveness and the road that God has walked me down to learn the importance of it.
Not unlike our anti-hero/ villain Heathcliff I was once locked in a prison of unforgiveness and bitterness. I didn't know I was in prison, I felt justified wrapping myself tightly in my cloak of unforgiveness. I would say "Burn me once shame on you. Burn me twice shame on me" I felt protected behind these walls that I raised higher and higher with each passing year. I felt invulnerable.....and alone, terribly alone. Because the protective walls not only kept people out they also kept me locked inside, shriveling slowly away, each passing year stealing away more of my heart and compassion and replacing it with a hardened, lonely woman.
Not unlike Heathcliff, I also had genuine reasons for which to hold unforgiveness. As a young child I learned early on that the world was not a safe place, that people in places of trust could and would hurt you, and sometimes the only way to protect yourself was to distance yourself from pain by replacing vulnerability with bitterness and unforgiveness. Throughout my growing years this belief was only confirmed as more people hurt me. Eventually I went through my life looking for people to hurt me, the smallest infraction building upon the walls of bitterness and unforgivenss. Until I was encased in a fortress that no one else but me even knew existed. You see if you were to ask anyone who knew me back then how they would describe me the words bitter and unforgiving would never be on the list. I was a chameleon, able to hide the darkness in my heart from all those around me. Everyone felt so close to me, everyone found me to be the perfect confidante, everyone thought me to be loving and open. Yet no one really knew me. I held everyone off from my true self. To be open was to be vulnerable and I didn't do vulnerability. God, however saw the real me. The truly hurting, bitter, unforgiving, alone me and he in his compassion and mercy did not leave me to rot in the prison of my own design. No God set me free by battering down my prison walls and teaching me that true freedom comes through him.
I have spoken on this blog about my moving to upstate NY for Bible school. I even mentioned that when I moved there it was partly to escape some major hurt that I had experienced back home. I am not going to go into exactly what happened but I will say that the end result was many people who had known me for the majority of my life chose to believe lies and turned their backs on me. I was the subject of much gossip and shunned in many ways. A few friends defended me and stood up for me to their own detriment but for the most part I was abandoned by people I thought loved me. Years later the truth came to light but by then it no longer really mattered, too much time and life had passed under that particular bridge. I moved 500 miles away to a little Bible school, in a small town of upstate NY. This was God's demolition and construction zone in my heart, this is where the chains that bound me began to break, the walls the imprisoned me began to crumble and where the person God intended me to be began to be formed. I spent a month of Sundays on my face at the alter crying as if my heart was broken, because it was. I didn't even know why the tears spilled down my cheeks or where the gut wrenching sobs were coming from much of the time. I remember one of the Deans saw e one Sunday and she gathered me in a huge hug and said "Oh honey there is so much hurt inside of you. Just let God heal it all, cry all you need to cry. Know that you can trust him to carry all this for you. Know that he is rebuilding you." So I cried and sobbed and allowed God to begin a work in my heart that to this day I don't really understand but I do know after that month of Sundays I walked away from that alter with a huge weight lifted off my heart and cracks had started to form in my prison walls. I then met my husband, we've already talked about a lot of what occurred during our dating relationship. However, I did not go into one very important thing God used my husband as.....a battering ram to break open a huge section of the walls that imprisoned me. You see my husband was not swayed by emotion at all and saw right through my well versed chameleon act to the very heart of me. He did not miss that everyone trusted me but I trusted no one because he was not affected one iota by my patting and stroking of feelings (one of the ways I kept people at bay was to be the friend that always had an open door and a shoulder to cry on. I could make anyone feel better. I was the world's den mother;) Instead he analyzed me and saw I did not add up and one thing my husband can't stand is something that doesn't add up. So he was relentless in his pursuit of the true me. This infuriated me, this terrified me, this made me want to trust him and throw him off a very tall building all at once. He was an emotional bully much of the time and later on this would be very detrimental to our relationship, however the flip side of that coin is that there never would have been a relationship if he was not relentless.
Then God brought it all home after we got married. I spent years harboring bitterness and unforgiveness toward my husband, again a lot of it was justifiable. It is truly hard to let go of pain and hurt that we are entitled to. Somehow stroking that bitterness and unforgiveness can make us feel better about ourselves, more righteous, more right. I became harder and harder, a mere shell of the person I had used to be. By now I had already reinforced the walls that had been knocked open only a few years before. I began to dream of vengeance, how could I hurt those who had hurt me so badly. Let me tell you it is a scary place to get to when you realize just how evil your mind can become.
All my life I had heard the sermons on forgiveness and letting go. I had heard about how unforgiveness poisoned you, not the person you held it toward. I never truly believed it. How could unforgiveness hurt me, how could it poison my very soul? Then one morning I was washing dishes in my kitchen, a houseful of babies noisily carrying on and I was lost in my own unforgiving thoughts toward my husband, the reel of all the things he had said or done to me playing over and over again in my head. Suddenly the thought popped into my brain, an almost silent whisper "You're a smart girl. Car accidents happen all the time. Would it be so bizarre if his breaks went out on the way to work?" I dropped the dish I was washing and started to shake. I was terrified by my own malice. Right then and there I prayed, tears streaming down my face. I begged God to forgive me for my unforgiveness. I begged that he would teach me to forgive and forget. Then that still small voice came to me "Forgiveness is a choice. Not an emotion. You have to chose daily to forgive the ones who hurt you most. You have to daily chose not to dwell upon the hurtful things but to think of the good. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting, it is moving forward despite what's happened in the past. It is choosing to let go of your right to the pain. It is giving it to me when you want to clutch it so tightly. Forgiveness is an action, a daily discipline on your part." Let me tell you the next few years were hard, hard years for me. My husband will tell you he would hear me say aloud more than once "I have forgiven this. I chose to forgive, I will not dwell on it anymore." This is where the tires of my "faith" met the road of self discipline and capturing my every thought. This is the hard walking out stuff, not the touchy feely stuff we like to talk about as Christians.
I learned in this walk that there were people that I could forgive and not let back into my life. Being wise is not the same as holding unforgiveness. Some of the people of my past could still pose a danger to those I loved. I chose to forgive what they had done and walk in that freedom. I no longer tense when their name is said, I no longer wish them harm. However, the Bible also says to gentle as a dove and as wise as a serpent. Wisdom dictates that they cannot be a part of my life.
So dear friends this is the journey that I have been pondering this week. A hard journey but one that has set me free to enjoy the relationships God has placed in my life. I still have to make a conscious choice to forgive sometimes but it is so worth it. I pray each of you has been forgiven and has found forgiveness for others in your hearts. If this is a journey that is still a struggle for you please know I will be praying for you. If you need a friend to hear your struggle I am here. You can private email me at kristine.skiff@gmail.com. I love each and everyone of you. Thank you for walking my journey with me. Lots of love, Kristine

Monday, January 16, 2012

Bad Behavior or Disability

The end of semester was finally here!! To celebrate our success we all piled into the Skiffmobile and went to the Natitorium ( a neighboring towns indoor swim and gym facility). For nearly three hours my boys flew down water slides, lounged on the lazy river, had water battles at the water fort and swam in the lap pool. What a gloriously fun and exhausting afternoon. By the time we came home all my boys were wore out. After doing some last minute school revisions the boys and I piled back into the Skiffmobile to go to that glorious place of the golden arches.....well glorious for the kids at least. After this last bit of celebration the boys were headed to bed and I was going to relax with the hubs watching some brainless TV. Ahh, the glorious laziness of it all. But alas the best laid schemes of mice and men go often askew as Robert Burns once penned.
Driving down the road, kids mouths munching happily away, my mouth gabbing even more happily away with my dearest friend I get the first text message, which I promptly ignore.....no one interrupts the precious few adult conversations I get. The phone then beeps with an incoming call, which again I ignore. The phone beeps again and with the sure dread of one who looks into their plans blowing up in their face I answer the call. It's my wonderful hubby, he has a flat and has left his spare tire in the garage (don't ask. I don't anymore;) . So back home I swing to grab a tire and hit the road again with tired, no longer happily eating boys.. to be truthful those happy mouths had started becoming quite whiny, especially the youngest of them all, Benny.
Here I must break to describe my wonderful youngest son for those of you who have not had the pleasure of making his acquaintance. Benny is as cute as a button, as sharp as a whip, as popular as a cheerleader, with a voice as shrill as a fire alarm. The more worked up Benny gets the higher and more piercingly shrill his voice becomes. It is now a well established saying in our small town to tell small whiny children "not to use their Benny voice" and it works. The said children immediately change their voice tone. This gives you a small glimpse into our Benny Bird. Now I have to be clear here. Benny really can't control this as he is getting worked up, when he's not worked up we are always telling him to use his "big boy voice".
Back to the story. So after 20 minutes or so I pull up to my husband who not only had a flat but had it on a toll road, which means there is only a very small shoulder and the traffic is rushing by us at around 80 miles an hour, shaking the van with their speed, the noise a consistent roar (this is maxing out an already over tired, stressed-out van full of spectrum kids, which are working each other up even more, which works them up even more......well you get the picture). So hubby grabs the spare from me only to remember why he had put it in the garage in the first place, it too is flat. To make this already too long story somewhat less long the end result is we were on the side of the road nearly an hour getting it all straightened out. My lovely, rare Benny Bird screamed nearly the entire time. By the time we got home I was ready to scream, which I couldn't do because any emotion from me at this point would only be adding gasoline to the fire.
After every one was sorted out I posted a funny update to my Facebook account. For the sake of accuracy I quote "Dear US government forget waterboarding. Just stick the terrorist in a van with Benny screaming at the top of his lungs for an hour. I swear after 15 minutes you will have any information you want, by thirty minutes they will be begging for merciful death, after an hour they will face a higher powers judgement." To be fair, I did not give the back story only this quick blurb. Those who know me best know that I take life with a huge dose of humor. It keeps me sane on days like the one I just recounted. Some people got it and laughed with me, others offered sincere questions and advice, and others responded with the generic, often heard "If that was my kids I'd just beat his a**" Now I'm used to this kind of judgement, it is the judgement that special needs parents face all the time. I don't even get all that worked up over it anymore. However this is my blog and thus it is my prerogative to address it here. I understand that many people view this as simply bad behavior that is being indulged. I also understand that children need discipline to grow into mature, responsible members of society. Anyone who is actually a part of our lives and sees the way we raise our kids will tell you that we do indeed discipline our children. They do not run around the world unsupervised, spoiled brat, heathens. However, when my son is in the middle of an autistic meltdown I will not just beat his a** however much those around me may wish it. I will give him the space and the the tools that he needs to deescalate. Having older children on the spectrum, I can tell you they will eventually learn to self moderate to a large extent. This takes time and patience, just like everything else with all children. However sometimes with spectrum children it takes a little more time and a little more patience.
Thanks for reading friends. I pray that you all have a fantastic week
Until next time, lots of love-Kristine

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