Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Operation Cleaning Boot Camp

The nightmare continued year after agonizing year; clean one room, move onto the next only to return to the first room to find it completely destroyed again.   Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat……… I tried everything I could think of to stop this vicious cycle.  A cycle that left me exhausted, disheartened and clinging desperately to the edge of my sanity.  I tried every trick in the book to train my five boys to pick up after themselves and to stop the rampant destruction.  It was a losing battle that made me feel like a dismal failure as a mother, housekeeper and wife.   Everyone gave advice, platitudes or “constructive” criticism.  I tried it all and only felt more disheartened as each suggestion failed more miserably than the previous.  I know everyone has to stay on their kids to clean up and every child has an inborn destructive gene that can cause large scale messy destruction.  I know that the male of our species seems to have been granted an extra special amount of this destructive gene.  Please believe me when I tell you that what we were experiencing went far beyond all that.  As with everything when you add autism into the mix it amplifies all the normal things.  The connection between action and consequence has been beyond difficult to forge with some of our boys.  It does not matter how consistent the discipline or structured the house when a child doesn’t have that connection it is nearly impossible to make progress.   Also my own health issues had made it impossible for me to do as I used to.  The recipe for disaster was complete and my house was a disaster!!
This is how Operation Cleaning Boot Camp (to be referred to as OCBC from here on for brevities sake) came into being.  As mentioned above I had come to the end of myself.  So I did the one thing I should have done years ago: I prayed about it.  Yes I know this should have been my first step but somehow it never occurred to me to pray about this.  I think my own sense of failure and shame was a large part of why.  Just like in the Garden of Eden, we hide from God during the times we should be clinging to him.  I prayed that he would give me the right words that my boys could hear and understand.  I prayed he would begin to change their hearts and mine.  I prayed that he would give me the perseverance to follow through on whatever the plan.  I prayed for a plan of action that would work.
Here it is the plan that has been working for the Skiff house.
Step One- Prayer as mentioned above.  I cannot stress this enough.  It has really made that big a difference.
Step Two-The Name
It was important for the boys to have a catch phrase to associate with the new plan and way of life.  When I tell them it’s time for OCBC every morning they instantly know what is going to happen.  It’s like turning a switch in their brains.  I don’ know if this only an autistic thing or if it is more generalized to other kids as well.  It has made a huge difference.  Just telling them we were going to clean didn’t do it for some reason.
Step Three- The talk
Before we began I sat all five boys down and we talked (actually I talked ;)  I explained the importance of their help with the house both on a practical level but also on a character level.   They needed to understand that this was about more than a clean house it was about them growing into mature, responsible adults.  I told them I could no longer carry it alone and that I needed their help.  I explained the positive rewards for doing their chores and the negative consequences of not.  Here’s an example:  Today we need to accomplish this, this and this.  Here are your individual chores.  If we get these done in a timely manner we will be able to go to the pool.  However if they aren’t we will not have a chance to go swimming because there will not be time.  I also apologized for the past times when I lost my temper and yelled in frustration.  I committed to staying calm.  I asked that they each promise to do their best as we improved as a family.
Step Four-the Chore Division
In the past I would assign a room that needed to be cleaned to all of them.  I would say: It’s time to clean the playroom.  You pick up toys, you pick up any trash, you any clothes etc.  This only led to them getting frustrated with each other and arguing.  Nothing would get done unless I went up and painfully supervised EVERY SINGLE action.  The youngest would get away without working at all because they would just get in the way.  Now I assign them each a different chore separate from each other.  I rotate some chores between the older ones and others between the younger guys.    It works out much better this way for now.  Maybe after we get this down we’ll have an Operation Work as a Team Boot Camp…..one thing at a time.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Step Five-The When
I have found it is just as important when I assign chores as it is what I assign.  For us first thing in the morning after breakfast works best.  This is my golden opportunity window.  After this time their focus is everywhere but on their chores and it takes a lot longer and a lot more reminders from me.
Step Six-The Follow Through
This is my challenge in all this.  I have to be consistent to make sure the chores get done correctly, to make sure all rewards and disciplines are followed through on and to keep my emotions in check.  This whole plan goes to hell in a hand basket the moment I become emotional.  Autistics have a very hard time dealing with others emotions.  They can’t easily decipher what they are all about.  Instead of thinking oh I better do my job because I am frustrating her.  They just start getting frustrated themselves and they don’t know why.  I call this feeding off emotions….or emotional vamping but that’s not always well received;) 
Step Six- Celebrate
I make a huge deal out of it when they do an exceptional job.  I tell them what a great job they did and then I loudly brag about their accomplishments to other people (so they can over hear me ;)  Everyone needs encouragement but again my spectrum guys can’t read emotion really well so I have to be sure to exaggerate my enthusiasm because they often won’t catch the quiet thank yous and good jobs.
So there it is: The OCBC in a nut shell.  I hope some of you find this helpful.  Thank you for being a safe place to share my failures and successes and just be real.  Blessings to you my friends- Kristine

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Benny Bird

I awoke instantly the shriek of the benny bird still reverberating around the room.  I covered my head with my pillow, willing myself to grab a few more precious moments of sleep.  The pillow could not drown the shrill call of the benny bird any more than a sandcastle can hold back the tide.   I quietly placed my feet on the floor one at a time hoping against hope the shrill shrieking would end and I could get back into bed no one being the wiser that I had awaken from my slumber.  Alas it was not to be.   The shrill shrieks increased in volume and pitch.  The benny bird is quite rare in our kingdom.  In fact there is only one documented in all of Skiffdom.  It is known to be playful and inquisitive and will pleasantly chatter all day.  However when it feels threatened or unhappy its pleasant chatter becomes shrieks and cries so shrill they have on occasion shattered glass.  If I was to quiet the benny bird and restore peace to the kingdom I would need all my wits about me.  With this in mind I immediately went to The Spring of Oster.  It’s magical, hot black water is known to bring alertness to the mind and give energy to the body.
I climbed the Stairs of Prayer.  Beyond the stairs lies the Land of Chaos.  A wise traveler will slowly climb the stairs, praying fervently on each step.  One never knows what will await them in the Land of Chaos so it is a good idea to prepare ones soul ahead of time.  Today there was no time to take the stairs at a reverent pace.  Instead I whispered a quick prayer for guidance as I bounded heedlessly into battle.  To my surprise all was quiet and calm in Chaos.  A great shudder of apprehension ran down my spine.  If the benny bird was not in Chaos that left only one unthinkable option,   a possibility so horrible, so terrifying, I had to stop briefly to gain my courage.  He had to be trapped in the darklands known only as The Bedroom of the Beasts.  Very few who have ventured in have ever come back out.  I have heard horrifying tales of great mountains named Lego and Laundry.  Every step on Mt Lego is said to be torturous, bringing the bravest warrior to their knees in agonizing pain.  Mt Laundry is known for its stench.   It is said that one cannot stand on its peak without succumbing to the toxic fumes.  I tentatively step through the gate.  I see the tiger twins; they lay in wait high in the bunk tree.  The benny bird is circling the lower branches squawking possessively about something.  I cannot make sense of what the benny bird is squawking.  Once he reaches a certain decibel the only thing the human ear can perceive is pain.  I try to talk him down slowly.  As the decibel decreases I begin to understand the problem.  It seems one of the tiger twins, the ferocious Alex, has dared to disagree with the benny birds claim of superiority.  The more passive of the twins, Jamie the Just, decreed that a show of strength would determine the winner.  I arrive just in time to stop the carnage.  Now that I have seen first-hand the terrors in the Bedroom of the Beast I declare a new holiday.  A holiday that will from now and forever more be known as “The Day of Renewal”.  This celebration will be honored weekly by destroying Mt Laundry and bringing the pieces to the Pool of Tide.  Each piece will be placed in the pool and washed.  Mt Lego must be ritualistically dismantled.  Its pieces are to be placed in the Chest of Rubbermaid.  And all the land will rejoice and be merry as they smell the wonderful lemony scent of their Pledge.  And the sun shone brightly upon all Skiffdom and they lived happily ever after.

This has been a lyrical interpretation of my morning on Tuesday.   After I restored peace to the house the whole morning came back to me in fairytale form so I figured I’d share it here.  I hope you enjoyed my “fictionalized” day.- Kristine

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Summer of Change

The smells of grilling meat, chlorine, and sunscreen mix to form a distinctive smell, a unique perfume.  The sound of kids splashing in the pool, of the ice cream truck’s ditty playing on an endless loop, and lawnmowers being pushed up and down the street proudly proclaim: Summer fun is here!! 
I LOVE summer!  It is my absolute favorite season. No one can deny that fall has great fashion sense as it parades around in deep crimsons, rusts, oranges and yellows.  Only a fool denies winters austere beauty.    And far be it from me to take away from spring’s beautiful rebirth of life.  But summer is something special.  All year long as a kid you await that day of all days, the best of the best, the LAST day of school!!!  The last week of school is spent in joyous celebration by students and teachers alike: field day, movie day, game day all culminating in three months of freedom!!!  How sweet that freedom is: waking up whenever you feel like it, pool days, beach days, amusement parks, fireworks, watermelon, ice cream, the list goes on and on.  Yes sirree, I LOVE summer.  I love the heat, I love the water, and I love having my family around me.  I especially love summer this year.
It will come as no surprise to you my friends that I was probably the most excited person in our house for school to be out.  It has been a very rough school year for the Skiffs.  Don’t get me wrong, my boys held up pretty well.  I am very proud of each of them.  However, Skiff/ school relations were at the best of times strained and by the end of the school year a full out war had been declared on the Kingdom of Skiff.  Friendships were lost completely, communication ceased; good people’s careers were damaged.  It is no wonder that I was ecstatic to see the end of the school year.  I have come to the unfortunate decision that we have to do something different next school year.  I am not sure what that will look like or entail yet.     I can definitely use all the prayers and constructive advice I can get.  I have fought for years to keep my boys in the school system because I believe the socialization aspect is so---o important for my spectrum guys.  Unfortunately private school tuition for 5 children is outside of our budget.  That leads me to homeschooling.  Having had a bad experience with homeschooling as a child this is not my first choice.  I would love to get feedback from everyone but especially those of you who have kids on the spectrum.  What has been your experience?  Have you found any particularly helpful programs?  If you are in our area do you know of some great homeschool groups? I am grateful for the next few months to decompress and have time to make a thought out decision. 
 I am also using this summer to work on growing my boys in the areas of responsibility and respect for others.  So far this has been going pretty well.  I am already seeing some very positive changes in several of my guys.  I love to see them growing and expanding.  For so long it felt as if I would always have babies.  To see that they are becoming young men is quite the privilege and honor for my husband and me.   I will definitely be going into further detail on what I am calling “Operation Cleaning Boot Camp” (OCBC abbreviated ;) in a future blog.   It is ongoing.  We have great days and we have not so great days but I see a slow but steady attitude shift beginning.
Big changes are happening in the Land of Skiff.  I appreciate all your prayers as we forge onward on our journey.  Thanks for lending me your ear for a little while. Lots of love-Kristine

Friday, May 27, 2011

A Glimpse of Frienship

I have been blessed to know deep loneliness in my life, to know breezy, comfortable friendship, to know hard, painful relationships, to know friendships that are as close as sisters.     The loneliness taught me to really know myself and to be truly grateful for the friendships I formed later.  Comfortable, breezy friendships taught me how to have fun and enjoy the moment.  Those hard, painful relationships taught me how to be steadfast and hold on even in the hardest times.  They also taught me how to let go when letting go is the only thing you can do.  The rare relationships with the bonds of sisterhood have taught me so many, many things the foremost being family runs far deeper than blood. 
Many times in this blog I have mentioned the importance of having a good support system of true friends.  Today I wanted to take a minute to thank those of you who are that for me.  Some of you are my prayer partners, people I can trust to pray for the hard things and keep them confidential.  Some of you are my sisters, we laugh, we cry, we learn together, we teach each other.  Some of you are my warrior friends.  You stand with me in battle and uphold my arms when I no longer have the strength.   Many of you are old friends; sisters of the heart who have stood by me through the years even though I haven’t always been easy to love.   Others of you are new friends.   I love getting to know you and the new ideas you bring to my life.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you.  God has blessed me more than mere words can express by pacing you in my life.
I must be honest and say that the past few weeks have been very difficult on a personal level for me.  There are times when God begins a work that goes deep, uprooting things that we have buried long ago, purposely left behind and forgotten.  It has been one of those seasons for me.  I have had to face the ghost of my past; unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, fear, detachment just to name a few.    Anytime you dig up the long buried it is not a pretty sight.  Time does not beautify the dead.  Decay is not pleasant on any of the senses.  Throughout this journey I have had a friend who has stood by me, never judging me, courageous enough to be honest even when the truth hurt, believing me when others would not, praying and standing strong when I am not.    This is what women of God need to be for each other.  Moments like these show the true bonds of sisterhood.  This is the reason that the enemy attacks friendships between women so ferociously.
The past year I have seen many friendships destroyed, many women hurt deeply by gossip and slander.  It has broken my heart to see women I care about deeply turning on each other, purposely hurting ones that they loved only weeks before.  The very thing that God has created to strengthen us and draw us closer to him has been used by the enemy to tear down and destroy.  Ladies I have experienced the beauty of true, Godly friendship.  It is strengthening and beautiful.  When these bonds are forged it creates a wall of unity that cannot be easily breeched by the enemy.  The strong lend strength to the weak (and we are ALL weak at some point).
Today I am grateful and I am sad.  I am grateful for all of you my friends; each of you is a strength and delight to me in your individual way.  I am sad because so many have not yet discovered the strength of truly Godly friendships.   It is my deepest prayer that each of you has at least one true friend in your life.  I pray healing for those of you who have been wounded by imperfect friendships.  I ask forgiveness of any of you I have unintentionally wounded and I forgive those who have wounded me.  We are all imperfect and in the process of becoming.  I send each of you my gratitude for all you are to me. I pray that I will lend you strength in your weak moments just as you have been strength to me.  All my love-Kristine

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A Glimpse of a Crazy Quilt

WOW!!!!!  It has been a crazy week.  So many things have happened that I have had a hard time narrowing down what to blog about.   Being slightly ADD I can’t so we will call this my crazy quilt blog, mini glimpses of the major happenings in Skiffdom this week.

Sunday we had our church picnic and kite flying excursion…..ummm yeah about that,  it appears we Skiffs are not great kite flyers.  I had been really ill the night before from my medicine so I was not in top form at all.  When momma is not in top form the whole family suffers.   Jamie wandered off and was missing a full five minutes.  Talk about scary!!  Jamie has real issues with boundaries and has gotten lost going from one class to another in school (a trip he takes every day at school!)  We found Jamie, who was irritated that we would be worried…sigh.  It’s hard when the boys naturally want to grow and push boundaries but the autism curtails how far they can go.  Paul then melted down and became irate with anything and everything including but not limited to the wind and grass.   I love that we have a church that loves us despite days like Sunday.    
Sam as Walt Disney
Monday Sam was in the third grade living museum.   Every year the third graders at our school are assigned a character in history and have to research them.  They then write a monologue and dress up as said character.   The audience walks down a hallway lined with all the third graders and pushes an imaginary button bringing the character to life.  They recite their monologue to the passerby.  I love this every time one of our boys is in it.  This year Sam was Walt Disney, and a mighty fine Disney he made as well.    We had a few issues in the morning getting ready (Sam was not impressed with my mustache art;-)  but we pulled it together and he was awesome.  He was so nervous that he rocked the entire time he recited the monologue but he did it!!  I love seeing my kids succeed even when it is hard.  Ok I’m going to pause for a proud momma moment…sniff, sniff ;-)
Tuesday is our journey group night.  I have found that it is so easy as a special needs family to become isolated.  It’s very hard to bring our boys to other people houses for several reasons a) we are a large family so I always feel as if we are an invading army b) my kids are much more comfortable in their own environment where they know the rules (even if they don’t always follow them) and expectations c) in the past people have been put off by some of our kids stimming behaviors- it made us a little gun shy.  To avoid the isolation we have people over at our home.  It has worked out great!!!  I love to entertain, my kids (and honestly my husband as well) are more comfortable and thus more willing to engage in social interaction, and people grow to accept our uniqueness more easily when they see it in context.  Our house has now become the party house.  It is not uncommon for us to have 70 people crammed in.  My kids have places to go if it all becomes overwhelming and they actually ask when we are going to have people over if we go several weeks without company!!!!  What a change.  Have I said how much I love this stage of our lives?!?
Tuesday was also my SEPAC meeting (Special Education Parent Advisory Committee).   I have had some serious issues with the educating of my SPED boys here in rural TX.  I am outspoken about this which has earned me several adversaries.    At the SEPAC meeting I was informed of the “new” direction the SPED program here in Anna is taking next year.  I ,being the independent thinker I am, raised some serious concerns about the future of our program.  I did not receive the answers I was hoping to. I see more battles on my horizon.  Next year may get interesting.  Several good things came out of the meeting though.  The group of women that are on this committee are awesome, each completely committed to seeing the best for their own children and the children of our community.  We are establishing a resource library for the members of our community to utilize, have dates booked for SPED parents to come have dinner and hear various expert speakers address the issues we all face as special needs families and we are planning our first Disability Awareness Fair in Oct.  We are going to have all kinds of fun for the whole family and will have information to make the general population of our community more aware and accepting of people with disabilities.  I am totally stoked about all of this, can you tell?!?
Wednesday night we attended our first baseball game as a family!!!  It was so much fun.  Usarian’s company sponsored a family night for their employees.  They had all you can eat baseball food (always a winner with boys;-), free hats and the boys were even able to pick something out at the souvenir shop.    It was so great for the boys to experience a sports event in a low key environment.  We all had a fabulous time.  I thank everyone at Usarian’s work and the ball field for a great experience for us all.
Well that about sums up the major things so far this week.    I need to take a nap just reading about it all and there is still more to come!!!  I hope you have a moment to take a deep breath and reflect upon your week my friend.  Here’s to great second half!- Kristine

Monday, May 9, 2011

Wildflowers

This morning was rough…..alright if I am being perfectly honest this morning was more than rough.  My boys were in rare form today because they stayed up late last night.  We keep a pretty strict bedtime here at Casa Skiff for this very reason.  Every so often we allow them to stay up late knowing that it will mean a difficult morning the next day.  They were all in rare form this morning.   Part of the package with kids is that they will not behave well all of the time.  You correct the behavior and move on.  With autistic kids this is amplified.  Their learning curve is MUCH different.   Their triggers are more obscure at times and always the threshold on their sensory overload is much lower.  What NT kids tolerate barely batting an eyelash can drive an AU kid completely bonkers.   Today was one of those perfect storm mornings: lack of sleep, rush to get out the door, different breakfast foods…..oh yeah it was all the no-no’s all at once.    By the time we got to the school Benny was “sub-sonic” as his teacher calls it.    The more worked up Benny is the higher the octave he speaks in…..he was around the decibel you can break glass at this morning.  He screeched at anyone and everyone who crossed his path.    It’s hard to convince people that he is just saying “Good morning.  I hope your Monday has been as pleasant as mine” in his own Benny way.  Yeah it was rough.
As I was driving home I must admit I was a bit frustrated and blue.  I talk so much about the blessings the spectrum has brought into our lives.  All of that is absolutely true.  But there are days when it is difficult, especially days where more than one of my guys is struggling.  This is real life and I’m not perfect.  There are days that are harder than others.   Suddenly I noticed the TX wildflowers on the side of the road.  Here in N Texas wildflowers are everywhere in the springtime.  It is one of the many things I love about TX.    I noticed the way the colors played against each other; bright oranges, pinks, purples and yellows all mixed together in a glorious display.  God’s brush strokes evident here, today.  I was suddenly very encouraged.  God’s art is not classically perfect.  No it is chaotic and crazy and absolutely breathtaking.  Those wildflowers are so much like my boys, surviving and thriving despite harsh conditions, delicate and beautiful all at the same time.  My boys are God’s brush strokes in my life and I am in awe of their beauty.  So today I received the encouragement I needed on the side of the road.  God is so cool that way.   I hope that you will see God’s brush strokes in your life today as well.-Kristine

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Glimpse of me

This past week I turned 30D (no that is not the size of my personal apparel!! It is my age.  I switched to the letter system several years ago;)  My boys and I were watching tv the evening before my birthday when Sam (son #2) looked at me with excitement.  For those of you who know Sam you understand that this look is always followed by a momentous announcement and he did not disappoint.  “Mom you’re lucky!!!  Most people only get one 30th birthday but you have had at least 4 now!!” I then explained to him that most women stop having number birthdays at one point or another and that the polite thing to do is pretend that you had no idea that they turned the same age the year before.  He looked very confused and before he could question my logic further I announced bed time (saved by the bell!!)
In all seriousness I am excited to be at the point of my life that I am.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I have a wonderful family that I love completely.  I have many friends (the real kind that are there for you no matter what).  I am healthier than I have been in a long time.  The checklist of things I have to be grateful for goes on and on.   Still I can’t help but reminisce a little on these days where times relentless march is magnified.  It seems like but moments ago that I bought my first bike.  She was a beauty!!  It was pink with streamers on the handle bars, a white wicker basket with flowers on the front, and a horn (the kind with the bulb on the end you squeezed).  I earned the money to buy that bike by memorizing Bible verses.  I loved that bike for so many reasons one of them being it represented my first major accomplishment, my first major purchase;)  Flash forward a few moment in time and I remember my first job.  I was 7 or 8 and we lived in West Virginia.  There was an older couple in our “neighborhood” (that is a VERY loose term for where we lived) who spent part of the year in Florida.  The lady hired me to tend her gardens while they were away.  She had beautiful gardens.  I would walk over early in the morning and water some plants and then I would return in the evening and water different plants.  I weeded a little as well.  They had a pond at the back of their property with beautiful lily pads (the kind you see in magazines with flowers on them).  After I was done my work in the early mornings or evenings I would walk around that pond, find my favorite place to sit and just absorb the serenity and beauty of it all.   Nearly 30 years later and I still remember those as some of my favorite moments. 
The time stream is still in front of me.  I hop forward in time a few minutes more and I see myself crabbing on a bridge in Frenchtown.  We had moved to the Eastern shore of Maryland and I am around 10 or 11.  My father, brothers and sisters are with me.   We would hang strings with chicken parts over the side of the bridge.  We each carefully manned our few lines.  I would wait until I felt that tell-tale jerk on the line then sl---o---w—ly, painstakingly pull it up a centimeter at a time.  Then just when I had it near enough to the surface where I could just see the crab I would sweep the net as quick as a flash and get the crab.  Those sundrenched hours, before high tide rolled in, joking and laughing with the family, eating one of Dad’s picnic lunches are some of the best memories of my childhood.    Time is moving faster now before me.  I am 11 and I am sent up to West Virginia to live with my great grandmother while she recovers from hip surgery.  My great grandmother was not a pleasant person most of the time….to be honest quite often she was downright mean spirited.  I was nervous to have to take care of her and her snippy little Pomeranian named Misty (not to speak ill of the dearly departed but that dog was just plain evil).  This was a turning point in my life.  I came to really understand the meaning of leaning on God and really felt his Spirit for myself in a tangible way.  Lying on my bed, crying after getting in trouble for something I had not done I felt God’s spirit comfort me and give me courage to face the next day.  I prayed that God would use the time I had to help me understand my great grandmother.  Slowly our relationship changed and I now look back and am grateful for getting to know her a little before she passed.  She began to share stories of her life and travels with me.  By the end of my stay up there she was spoiling me rotten.  God works in mysterious ways.
Suddenly I am 17 and living in Ocean City Maryland with my friend Amy.  This was my first taste of a having a real friend.  We were summer missionaries at an outreach center.   Every Thursday we made spaghetti dinners for hundreds of people as part of our homeless ministry.  We sang until we had no voice every night.  We rode roller coasters at midnight screaming our heads off.  I put on clown makeup for the first time (that was a DISASTER—LOL).  I was pushed out of my comfort zone in so many ways and experienced so much growth.  I am so grateful for those few months.  They were life changing.  The next few years fly by: College, work, more college, more work.  I moved to NY to go to Bible school.  There I met my wonderful husband and the rest of the story you already know.
This walk down memory lane reminds me of how fast things change, of how much I have to be grateful for, of the things that forged me into who I am today, of where I come from.  Thanks for your patience on this journey.  Happy Mother’s Day friends.-Kristine

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