Hello,
my friends. I'm back!! A lot has happened over the past year (thus sporadic
posting). I've written and released a novel and a children's book. I'm writing
a second novel and have another children's book in the final stages of
illustration and editing. There have also been a lot of personal mountains to
climb, which I will address in future posts. But in my first post back, I have
something slightly more scandalous on my mind. Here is your warning;
things are about to get hilariously hot and spicy. So if you are easily
embarrassed or don't want to laugh out loud in the office, stop reading now!
I like peppermint ice cream. I love peppermint ice
cream smothered in hot fudge, with whipped cream and a cherry on top. And hell
yes, I want sprinkles too!! The more whipped cream, hot fudge, cherries, and
sprinkles, the better. I'll sit down and devour every sinful bite, savoring
each lick of the spoon. Yes, I love a good sundae.
But there are days when I only want a good, old-fashioned
vanilla cone, just one scoop of vanilla on a plain Jane sugar cone. No, I don't
want a waffle cone. No, I don't want to mess with sprinkles. No, I don't want a
second scoop of your hand-made horchata cinnamon flavor. Yes, I do know that
there are 3.5 million flavor combinations available. But damn it, I just want a
simple, no fuss, no muss, vanilla ice cream cone.
I'm like this with a lot of things. Some days I just want a
plain sugar cookie or a good old-fashioned McDonald's cheeseburger. Sometimes I
want to wear my old comfortable tennis shoes with my most comfortable pair of
worn-out jeans. And sometimes I like plain, vanilla, no-frills sex! There I
said it. Yes, I know toys are fun. Swinging from the ceiling in chains and
leather is exciting. But some days, I don't want the hassle. Some days I'm tired,
and I want comfort above adventure. And hell, some days I just want to close my
eyes, think of the Queen and get it over with (and I'm not even British).
I feel like, as a culture, we have decided that everything in
life needs to be a unique and exciting experience. We even want our coffee to
be a unicorn (looking at you, Starbucks Unicorn Frap). Every day has to
be a holiday and every holiday has to be an over-the-top celebration.
When
I was a kid, we wore green on St Patrick's day and ate corned beef. That's it.
There were no leprechaun traps, green milk-covered Lucky Charms, or piles of
golden chocolate coins to be found at the end of a glitter-dusted rainbow. You
wore green so that you didn't get pinched and maybe, if lucky, colored a four-leaf
clover color-by-number worksheet at school. Then you went home—The End. Mom was
not up until four in the morning, hanging rainbows, setting leprechaun traps,
or coloring your milk green. And that was okay because you enjoyed not getting
pinched and color-by-number worksheets. But I digress.
I am blessed to run an online group for women where we talk
about sex and all kinds of scandalous things. The group was started by a dear
friend, Emily Dixon, after she wrote a revolutionary book, Scandalous: Things
Good Christian Girls Don't Talk About -But Probably Should (you can
find the book here). If you are a woman and want an incredible,
supportive group of hundreds of women, you should check us out on Facebook
(sorry, guys, this is a women-only group). However, the group can get pretty
Scandalous at times. So be forewarned.
I bring this up because I am fortunate enough
to interact with hundreds of women daily. And I have noticed that plain Jane
vanilla sex is no longer considered okay. Every sexual encounter should be a
combination of the Kama Sutra and a porn movie.
I was lucky enough to be the mother of young children before
this was a thing. I mean, sure, my husband and I had some exciting sex. But we
didn't have a fully outfitted BDSM dungeon in our basement. I didn't have
to worry about my anal beads and our babies' amber teething beads getting mixed
up (full disclosure: my kids didn't have teething beads either. Nope, it was
good, old-fashioned, BPA-loaded plastic teething rings for them). I wasn't
rushing to take down the sex swing to hang the Johnny Jumper.
