Thursday, March 16, 2017

Ways to Shame Our Mother by All The Skiff Boys

Today, after my son cursed in front of the landlord (not a simple hell or damn, no he went all out saying words that would cause a sailor to blush) I decided it was time to come clean you, my blog friends.  We all have moments where we wish the floor would just swallow us whole. Unfortunately, in Skiffdom that is an almost daily occurrence for me.  This is a list of the last three months, it isn't all inclusive by any means.  It just hits some of the highlights....or low-lights if you will.  Please feel free to laugh at my pain; I do all the time.

1. Go to school and curse out your teachers.....repeatedly.
2. Go to school and claim the reason your cursing them out is because there is NO food at all in the house.  Then force your mother to explain how you do indeed have food in the house,  you just aren't happy that you had stir-fry and not McDonald's last three different school teachers, administrators and therapist.
3. Go to the doctors and have a huge meltdown....the first time he meets you....and your mother.
4. Go to the NEW doctor and claim you have no healthy food in the house so that's  why you have to eat junk ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.  Then tell him your mom refuses to cook anything that isn't meat related.  Ignore the fact there are veggies and fruit currently going bad in the fridge at home because you refuse to eat them because they don't count as food.
5. Curse in front of the landlord.
6. Loudly claim, at the therapist office that your mother drinks alcohol ALL The Time.  Then ask if drinking red wine in healthy for your heart or does it make you an alcoholic.
At this point, I wish I did drink All The Freakin' Time.
7. Sneak out of the house and walk down one of the busiest streets in the city, in a Santa hat, at midnight, in the freezing go dumpster diving at Game Stop (after watching a YouTube video about how cool this is), even though you had been forbidden from even thinking about it.  Have two cops bring you home, to your grandparents, and plead your case, claiming you shouldn't get into too much trouble because you are a great kid and you already promised to never do it again.
8. Ask about oral sex, loudly, at the grocery front of a mother and two small children.
9. Make masturbation jokes in front of mixed company.
10. Make inappropriate sexist jokes, LOUDLY, while waiting at a stop light in front of Texas WOMEN'S University. Cause your mother to get many death glares.
11. Tell the BRAND FREAKIN' NEW Doctor, you are too smart to have to do your homework or pass your classes.
12. Get in arguments in class, with a large Hispanic population, supporting Trump.
I blame their father for this.
13. Argue that Islam is a religion the oppresses women with the Islamic girl in your class who wears a hijab. Have your teacher email your mother that though you have amazingly thought out opinions, it  would be better if you learned appropriate times and places for such discussions.
14. Watch porn while at your grandparents, in your mother's guestroom, causing questions to be raised about her sexuality and proclivities.
15. Cause your mother to write a blog about all the ways you've shamed her and all the best stories can't even be put on the list because they would embarrass you once you've grown some common sense.

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Kristine Meier-Skiff. Powered by Blogger.