Saturday, June 15, 2013

Are They ALL Yours?

I know this won't be news to almost anyone who reads this blog regularly, but for those who don't know, I have a lot of kids, and by a lot I mean a boatload.  I have my own basketball team.  Well technically, WE have our own basketball team, but more on that in a bit.  Indeed when walking down the grocery aisle my five boys look like an invading army, marching single file behind the grocery cart, except on the occasions that they look more like a swarm of invading locust, hungrily grabbing at anything and everything and putting it in the grocery cart.........yeah, hungry teen and pret-teen boy sized locust......that about sums them up.

Anyone who has a large family knows that there are certain questions you are bound to be asked whenever you go ANYWHERE as a family. As I'm tired of answering these same questions over and over and over and over and.....well you get the point, I have decided to answer everyone's question once and for all right here.  Then when I am asked any of the questions, I'll hand the questioner my business card, with a link to this blog or maybe I 'll have it printed on T-shirts and make all the boys where them whenever we leave the house.  Yeah, that will go over REALLY well with my boys. ;)

Question #1: Are they ALL yours?
No, I just go around collecting wayward children off the side of the road and bring them to Walmart for kicks.  Yes, they are ALL mine.  If you question my honesty on this, just hang around for another 3.5 seconds and two, if not three, of them will be calling "M-OM!" for some reason or another.

Question #2: You do know how this happens don't you? Also phrased: Should I buy you a TV and DVD player so you have something else to keep you entertained?
Judging by our success rate, I say we are well acquainted with the how and why of it all.  It is also apparent we are experts at entertaining ourselves but thanks for asking.

Question #3: Are you having anymore? Also phrased in our particular case: Are you gonna try for that girl?
Coming from a complete stranger, in line at the grocery store, I find this one of the more rude and intrusive questions.  It brings out my smarty pants side (sorry, Mom.You did train me better) Am I planning to have anymore, what? Sex, why yes I am.  Oh you meant, kids? Oh, I don't know.  I thought we might try for an even dozen.  What about you? Are you planning to have anymore kids? If so when?  Why? Oh you find these questions rude.  I'm so sorry, I wouldn't want to intrude.
For the record, we aren't having anymore but that really isn't the point now is it?

Question #4: How many loads of laundry do you do?
A lot.

Question #5: Do they all have the same Dad?
No, I'm like a black widow; I always eat my mate after we procreate.  Even my twins have different fathers.   Really, do I interview you in the checkout line about your children's paternity?   I give extra jerk points to people who ask me this in front of my kids.  For the record, yes all my boys do have the same father, not that this is anyone's business but ours.  Sheesh!

Question #6: Are you Catholic?  Are you Mormon?
No, we aren't.

Question #7: How do you afford all the kids? Are you on welfare?
We are blessed and my husband has a good job.  No, I'm not on welfare. Again, how is this  ANY OF YOUR  BUSINESS?!?  
Question #8: This one is asked to my husband by other men:  Are they yours?
I find it reassuring that other men, complete strangers mind you, have no problem insinuating that I may be a skank to my husband. I have already answered this, but obviously it needs to be said again: YES, THEY ARE ALL HIS!

They are ALL his.  They are ALL mine.  They are ALL ours and we wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world, even when they resemble a swarm of hungry locust.

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