Thursday, March 21, 2013

In My Weakness

In January of this year, my good friend Dee and I were on the phone discussing our plans and "feelings" about what was to come in this coming year of 2013.  I remember telling her that I had an intuition that this was going to be a hard year for me.  I felt strongly that this was the year that God was going to do some deep heart work on me.  Dee and I have been friends for seventeen years (yikes! I'm getting old, Dee of course has not aged a day;) She is one of the few people on this planet who really KNOWS me.  She has walked through the most joyful moments of my life with me.  Conversely she has walked through the darkest, most difficult times too.  When I made my announcement about heart work she wisely said "Girl, I'm gonna be praying for you!"  Like I said, she KNOWS me.

Fast forward to March 2013. You may have noticed a lack of blogging on my part lately.  In truth, it has been intentional.  That journey of heart work has begun, serious changes are happening.  Normally, this would have me on blog overload but the truth is I have felt unable to talk about this stuff.  It is dark and painful and just plain hard.  I finally feel able to talk about some of the changes I have made.  I am opening up because I don't think I am the only woman out there who struggles with these things.  I refuse to let shame bury my light.  Shame, anger and depression thrive in darkness, they force you into silence and isolation.  That isolation creates more shame, anger and depression.  It is a vicious, ugly cycle.  It is a cycle I will not allow in my life.  
Most people read my blog and feel like I have been very open about my life.  I have written about our early marriage troubles, past abuse, unforgiveness, even about my suicide attempt as a teenager. All of that is the absolute truth but I have only written in the past tense, refusing to acknowledge the cumulative effect all that crap was having on my daily, every day life.  I said to myself, "I've dealt with all of this.  It is done and over.  I've forgiven.  I'm strong.  I'm a Christian and all I need to get through is Jesus." along with many other platitudes to convince myself that I didn't need any help.  The truth is, I am not alright.  The truth is I am too prideful to be seen as weak and vulnerable.  The truth is, I need help.
This all became abundantly clear when I realized I was terrified (not just a bit uncomfortable or a little scared but for real terrified) to lose weight.  Through out all my life, I would lose to a certain point but as soon as people began noticing me, I would gain all I had lost and more back.  I never realized what I was doing.  It was unconscious.  However the Dr started pushing for me to have weight loss surgery and I was running out of excuses for lasting change in my life.  Finally it hit me:  I was freaking scared.  REALLY scared.  So I put on my big girl panties and admitted I needed help.  I put myself in therapy.  For real, cost a lot of money, therapy.  The kind I inwardly scoffed at as only needed by weak people, people who couldn't just buck up and deal with life.
I admit it, I am weak.  I cannot handle everything on my own anymore.  I need help.  II Corinthians 12:9 says: And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. It is my prayer that as I walk out this year people will begin to see Christ strong in me, instead of me pretending to be strong on my own.
I know there are other women out there like me, who have been blown around and beaten down by the storms of life.  I know there are others who are too ashamed, prideful or frightened to ask for help.   Friends, I encourage you that you are not alone.  You need not walk alone any longer.  Reach out to someone trustworthy, someone who will pray with you and stand with you, someone who will encourage you to get the help you need.  Someone who will encourage you to become weak so that Christ may be strong in you.  That is my prayer.
What this means for this blog, I'm not sure yet.  I will write as I am able and as I am freed to do so.  I know this goes against everything they tell you to do to have a successful blog.  However, at this point in my life I feel it is more important that I be genuine than that I am successful.  I love each of you very much and will continue to pray God's best in your lives.  I look forward with great anticipation to see what God has in store for Skiffdom and am equally excited to share it with you as it unfolds.  Lots of love-Kristine

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