When I was 17 years old, I had my first taste of living on my own. I lived in Ocean City, at a mission, where I was doing missions work for the summer. My roommate, Amy, and I did everything you can imagine. We scrubbed, we cooked, we sang until we had no voice, we were clowns, puppeteers and even counselors. It was a fabulous summer, one of those sweet moments in life that you capture in the amber of your memory. You take it out occasionally, hold it up to the light, and really look at it. Then you get a quiet pang around your heart because those sweet moments can't ever be relived.
Because the majority of our ministry happened into the late hours of the night, Amy and I had a tradition of hitting the boardwalk rides right before close. We would scream away the frustrations of our day on the roller coaster. Even if we only had a croak of a voice left, it was so therapeutic to just let everything from the day go, in the wildness of the night. There have been many times over the years, that I have longed for a roller coaster on which to scream away the pain and frustrations of life.
Honestly, this past month I could have used a roller coaster right in my back yard. So many things have happened, so many daily frustrations are building up, some very deep pains needing a release. I want to scream and yell and have no one look at me like I'm crazy......yes I have bedazzled my very own straight jacket, just in case that day should come but I really would prefer a roller coaster ride instead of Bedlam.
For the sanity of my family, I have spent years learning to hold back my emotions. I honestly, am not even sure how to let it all out anymore. My guys on the spectrum need my help to deal with their emotions, they certainly can't handle my feelings and frustrations. They honestly just can't process them. I have friends who love me but I have become so accustomed to being closed off I really have no idea how to just let go in front of them.
So you my readers get to ride the roller coaster of my writing. It is the best bypass of my brain to my heart.
So here are the things in my heart. If they make little sense, please bear with me.
My mind is a jumble of thoughts, that I cannot make sense of
My emotions are a raging sea below mere inches of smooth glass
I chain my heart to my head, I will it to be calm
My life is black and white, my heart longs for color
I want to scream and kick and throw myself down
Instead I sit; tearless, unmoving, untouchable
I strengthen the chains that bind me, I reinforce the glass
I am my own jailer, from me there is no escape
I am slowly willing my heart away.
I'm sorry this isn't my normal, light at the end of the tunnel post but it is what I am feeling tonight. Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a better one. Lots of love-Kristine