Monday, April 30, 2012

A Glimpse of Me

For three hours I stared at the screen, listened to music, stared again blankly at the screen.  For three hours I typed, backspaced, typed some more, erased everything and started over.  For three hours I wrestled a massive case of writers block.  Suddenly inspiration struck.  I would consult the ever wise sage "Facebook" for wisdom.  Surely, one of my extremely bright and witty friends would inspire me.  So I posted a plea asking for a suggestion of what topic people would enjoy reading about.  I told myself I would arise to whatever literary challenge that was presented long as it wasn't about my sex life (hey there are some topics that should never be blogged about..this tops my list;)  A wonderful friend responded that I should blog about myself.  Easy peasy right?!? After all, my blog is always about my thoughts.  But this is where my friend's genius came in (some may claim evil genius....I'll let you decide that for yourself after you have read this blog;).  She stipulated that I should write about what goes on in my head apart from family and autism.  No longer is this the walk in the park I had anticipated.  It is much harder for me to still myself to actually hear my own thoughts.  So everyone fasten your life jackets and hop aboard this boat if you dare. You are about to enter my stream of consciousness and there be rapids ahead;)
I must be honest, this past week I gave myself and the boys a partial week off.  We have switched curriculum and needed a moment to exhale after 8 months of being in a pressure cooker.  I spent some time reading  books, reviewing a couple of others, staring blankly into space and daydreaming.  When I was a girl my daydreams had several plot twist (Yes I dream in full novel form).  In one such plot I was an Olympic  figure skater.  I overcame unspeakable odds to achieve the highest of all accolades in the sport the Olympic gold medal!!  Now, those of you who know me need to pick yourself off the ground and get your uncontrollable laughter under control.  I will assume your untimely outburst is due to the trauma that was inflicted upon you as you watched my two less than successful attempts at even standing on ice skates.   I'm sorry you had to see that. If I could, I would remove your memory of me repeatedly falling and taking out every other skater within ten feet of me.  Needless to say, I am still Olympic gold medal-less.  My foolish daydream never came to fruition.  My daydreams have aged as much as I have and yet they are still as foolish.  When I find myself that spare moment to stare into space and drift into the comforting arms of my imagination the scenes are very different.  No longer am I a figure skater or a judge on the Supreme Court or the female version of Indiana Jones.  No, now my day dreams revolve around waking up and finding my house completely and miraculously cleaned.  Wonderful little sprites come in the still of midnight and scrub, sweep, mop and launder everything in sight.  In this daydream, I awake to birds chirping brightly, a wonderfully cleaned house (I am of course many pounds lighter as well).  My perfectly groomed and well mannered boys knock quietly at my door and offer to make me a gourmet breakfast and to call the cleaning sprites back to re-clean the kitchen. CRASH!!!!  Oh, I'm sorry that was the sound of a lamp crashing and rudely jarring me back to reality;)

I also read several books this week.  The one that sticks with me the most is Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.  My pastor is doing a wonderful message series on the book of Hosea.  It is a harsh but beautiful love story in the Old Testament.  The story revolves around the prophet Hosea being called by God to marry a prostitute.  His wife strays repeatedly from him and yet he loves her through everything ( even when his love is tough love).  It is a picture of God's love for Israel and by extension His love for us. I mentioned to a good friend that other than in Bible school, I had never heard a message series on the book of Hosea taught in church (mostly because it is a very hard story to preach and the text is full of words like whoredom. Not everyone appreciates hearing about whoredom from the pulpit).  I was so refreshed to see our pastor take up the challenge.  My friend responded that I HAD to read Redeeming Love.  Since it was my semi-off week I took her advice.  My friends, if you have the time READ THIS BOOK!!  It is an amazing fictionalization of the story.  The book of Hosea lends itself well to dramatization.  Like Shakespeare's plays some stories are meant to be seen.  Hosea's story is definitely one of those.  Be prepared this is a harsh book to read and has some very disturbing themes.  This novel made me go to some places in my own life that I thought best forgotten.  However, even in our deepest pain God wants to minister his healing love and mercy.  There is no sin so great and no hurt so deep that God will cease to love us.  His love is deeper, wider and yes tougher than anything we can throw at it.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about friends that are in seriously hard places in their lives.  I have one friend in particular who is hospitalized with a serious illness.  If she comes to your mind please send up a prayer for her.  My heart breaks that I can't rescue all of you who are facing such hard places, whether emotional, physical, financial or a combination of all three.  I am by nature a doer.  Right now, it seems all I can do for you is pray.  And praying I am!!  You, my friends are not alone even when it feels like you are.

I came to several realizations about myself this week as well.  One is that I miss my me time.  I am drained by all that this year has held and I need a break. Another is that I am homesick.  I was driving behind an  Old Dominion freight truck and I nearly broke down into tears.  I am homesick for the Chesapeake, salt air, blue crabs, sand in my shoes (and other unmentionable places), for historical monuments on every corner, and for my family and friends that I have not seen in so long.  I am going home in July for my cousins wedding and it can't get here soon enough.  Lastly, I spent time thinking about where I have come from and where I am now and being overwhelmed with gratitude for God's mercy and grace on me through out the journey.  Over the past few weeks, the members of our home group each shared a bit of their journey (their testimony for those of you who speak Christianese;)  My husband shared his this week.  Seeing our journey, through his eyes, brought things back to my remembrance I had honestly forgotten; struggles and miracles that should never be over looked.  I am beyond overwhelmed by God's mercy and redeeming love.

So that is a large part of my inner thought life for the week.  I hope this gave you the glimpse into my head you wanted.  If not, no worries, I'll get back to family and autism stuff next week;)  Lots of love- Kristine

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