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I am the crazy mom of five boys.  Four of my five boys are on the autism spectrum. Neuro-Diversity rocks!!!  I cook, I clean, I blog, I breathe.  Yup that is about it.  If you want to catch a glimpse of our crazy world you are more than welcome but don't say I didn't warn you.

Monday, September 19, 2016

The Art Of Letting Go

I don't know who out there will read this today.  It has been so long since I sat down to write that I fear my fingers have rusted and my keyboard is collecting social security.
It isn't for lack of wanting to write.  Though I do admit to a modicum of laziness, that seems inherent in many of us artistic types.  No, my lack of verbosity has been a hard, self imposed exile. For years now, I have written to you about the ups and downs in the crazy land of Skiff.  The stories have been shared through much laughter and many tears.  However, now the Skiff boys have come to an age where their stories should be their's to share when they are ready, or at the very least mine to share when they grant me permission.  The teenage years are wrought with heartache, turmoil, growth, expansion and self actualization.  To be asked to do that while your mother is sharing your struggles with the world is unfair.

This has left me in a bit of a conundrum.  How does one gain glimpses into Skiffdom, when so many in Skiffdom long for anonymity?  I think I've figured some of that out now.  I will once again be blogging but much of it as it pertains to my children will be in a more general sense.  I do believe there is a great need for information regarding navigating these crazy teen years, especially with special needs children.  I will share what I'm learning and hopefully learn from some of you who are on the same road.  Together, we will survive. ;)
This also provides me an opportunity to share some of the things that I am learning and growing in.  I get a chance to challenge myself to be truly transparent, even in the things I find most uncomfortable; my struggles and failings.  
 My friends, there is no quick way for me to catch you up on the past six months in Skiffdom.  It has been insanely eventful: my husband changed jobs, we moved to be closer to said job. My boys started a new school system (which has been amazing). We had some extreme medical expenses, a car accident (funnily enough this wasn't related to the medical expenses), appliance deaths, our old land lord is suing us for a $20k in damages to the house we lived in for 8 years (damages we dispute. He renowed the house after we moved.).  Through a series of strange events my husband started his own company, he left the "new" 40 hour a week  job to fully pursue growing his business, after receiving several large contracts, more unexpected and crazy expenses and a few failed contracts later, we are now on the verge of losing everything: house, cars, great new school district, EVERYTHING.
I don't share this because I want you to feel sorry for us or because I want someone to magically fix this mess.  Indeed, I did everything I could to hide how bad things had become.  After all, we may be a bit zany but we are responsible adults, who are generally respected and well liked.  We are not the kind of people who end up in these types of positions, or so I told myself.
In fact, had a dear friend not created a Go Fund me account once she heard our story, you still would not be hearing about this.
With the Go Fund me suddenly everyone knew that we were in crisis.  I thought having special needs kids had cured me of my pride issues but I was wrong.  I had to truly humble myself and be vulnerable before family, friends and strangers in a way I never thought I would have to be.  I thought I lived my life in a very transparent and genuine way but I was still holding back some essential truths; truths I found embarrassing.  The past two weeks has been me learning to let go of pride.
I thought my lessons were done for a bit.  After all how much more do you want from me God?
Today, on the way home from the courthouse, I realized my lessons were far from over.
I've never been one to hold material things too tightly.  I was raised in a family where money was always a struggle.  I was raised with plenty of love and strong moral character but we didn't have a lot in the way of earthly possessions.  That combined with the fact that I've moved 30 times in my 39 years of life, gave me a rather different perspective on things. Things are replaceable, people are not" has always been my motto.  So today when I realized I needed to let go of things, I was kind of shocked.  Things aren't a huge deal to me.
Then I realized that the things I need to give up are so much less tangible than a toaster or a chair. I need to give up my insatiable need for security. We live life on the edge in many ways, so many don't realize how much I shroud myself in a blanket of security.  Security of a good job, security of a great school district, security that no matter what challenge arises, my husband and I would find a way to beat it.  The truth is though none of those things are wrong, and in most cases are wise and true, they are not where my security comes from.  Jobs can come and go, no matter what the school district, I will always have to fight for my special needs education, and my husband and I are not able to beat every struggle that arises on our own.  Our security, my security, can not be found in things, even if they are intangible.  My security must be wrapped up in Christ because he is the only one who will never fail me.
This is my lesson to grow in.  This is my burden to lay down.  Lord, give me the strength to follow you into the shadow lands,  knowing that you will never lead me astray,


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