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I am the crazy mom of five boys.  Four of my five boys are on the autism spectrum. Neuro-Diversity rocks!!!  I cook, I clean, I blog, I breathe.  Yup that is about it.  If you want to catch a glimpse of our crazy world you are more than welcome but don't say I didn't warn you.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A Glimpse of Vulnerability

To be transparent, to be free
To be vulnerable, to be brave
To swallow my own dread and apprehension
To clasp those around me to my true self
To let go of my silent inhibition
To grant you access to my silly self
This is my desire
This is my fear
-Kristine Skiff



There are times when writing this blog is uncomfortable for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE sharing my life with you this way. However, being transparent and vulnerable is not always a comfortable thing for me. The fact is that I am actually much more comfortable getting lost in my own little world when things get tough. So much so, that when my friends have not seen a facebook posting from me in 48 hours they begin lighting up my phone with text messages asking what is wrong because they know the only time I'm quiet is when something is going on. If they don't get a satisfactory response they show up at my doorstep to check in on me. First, I have to say I have awesome friends that care enough about me to notice (and believe me I do not take them for granted) but again this places me in the sometimes uncomfortable position of confronting things I would much rather just ignore until I am ready. The past month has been one where I have been forced to face somethings I prefer to ignore, vulnerabilities have been exposed that I thought I had covered in thick armor. I can't say truthfully that I have figured out all the answers. The things I am facing are not simple fix things. There is no pretty princess band-aid that will make these things all better. However, I am learning in a deeper way the importance of friends that speak truth into your life, the importance of being vulnerable enough to share the deepest pains and trials with a select few.
Vulnerability, transparency these things are often scoffed in today's society. Society teaches us only a fool exposes his vulnerability to anyone. Society teaches us our weaknesses are weapons that will be used against us. Society says to obscure our trues selves so that no one has the opportunity to reject us. There is the truth that we should not lay our pearls before swine. We certainly should be wise with who we choose to share our deepest pains and struggles with. Unfortunately for many of us, we choose not to share with anyone at all. Best to be alone than to risk rejection; it's better to keep everyone at arms length where no one can get close enough to hurt us. If you are like me these lessons are hard won. People have used my weaknesses against me. People have broken my trust, people have broken my heart. Even in my forgiveness of others, I have become calloused toward people. If I am going to be completely honest here there are some walls I have no idea how to take down. I am by no means completely arrived on this journey of vulnerability. Indeed, i am taking my own wobbly baby steps. But I know the truth remains that God calls us to a life of transparency and vulnerability, to a life of beautiful brokenness. Some of you read that word brokenness and think of weakness. It is my contention that true brokenness takes incredible strength. To be totally open before God, allowing him to use you in whatever way he chooses, to know that no matter what happens in this life, what hurts you may encounter, that he is able to and WILL take care of you. Yes transparency and vulnerability take great faith. Faith is one of those words some of you will have a hard time reading. Some of you have been wounded by people who use the word faith like a weapon, telling you that if you had enough faith healing would have occurred or money would have arrived or you would have been protected. That isn't faith. That is manipulation. Faith isn't about how much you give or how much you are healed or what car you drive. Faith is a condition of your heart. Faith is having the confidence within your heart of hearts of who God is, of his true character, of his love for you, of his everlasting, unchangeable, always just, always righteous nature. Faith isn't about what you can get out of God or what he can do for you. Faith is about your relationship with an unfathomable God. Faith is about having the confidence to do and be what God has called you to because you know in your knower that God has you in the palm of his hand. And here is where all this comes full circle for me: If I truly have faith in who and what God is I have no choice but to be venerable and transparent to the people He has placed around me.
So this is what God has been working in me personally over the past couple of weeks. I know it isn't funny, or about the family, or about autism but it is about me....the real me that is still learning and growing. Hopefully I din't bore y'all too much but this my heart tonight as I sit and contemplate, in the quiet of the evening. Lots of love-Kristine
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