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I am the crazy mom of five boys.  Four of my five boys are on the autism spectrum. Neuro-Diversity rocks!!!  I cook, I clean, I blog, I breathe.  Yup that is about it.  If you want to catch a glimpse of our crazy world you are more than welcome but don't say I didn't warn you.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Glimpse of Sorrow

There are times when words are not enough, when there are no answers for the hurt.  This is one of those times.  My heart breaks tonight for so many in our nation who have been devastated by the storms that have ravaged.  So many people have lost everything, so many paid the ultimate price with their very lives.  I cannot express just how deeply my heart aches.  My own family was in the storm’s path at the very beginning.  We were blessed and did not experience the true wrath of the storm.  My boys and I huddled in our downstairs coat closet and I prayed as the tornado sirens blared.  Fortunately they soon quieted and our lives continued on.  Many in my extended family were not as lucky.  They were in the path of pure destruction wreaked by these storms.  Though all my loved ones walked away safely not all of their loved ones did.   My heart breaks for their loss. 
So much tragedy has happened on a global scale over the past few months, so many lives have been lost.  It is beyond my comprehension.  I do not pretend to have the answers to the questions that are plaguing much of the world.  I don’t know why.  I don’t pretend to understand why God allowed these things to happen.  There are many pat answers that we are tempted to give in times like these; many insensitive platitudes that we think will somehow lessen the pain.  As Christians it is very tempting to utter one of these instead of admitting the truth: the truth that we too don’t know why, that we too sometimes question.   We feel we are being unfaithful to admit aloud what we are feeling in our hearts.  I once felt the same way.  I once uttered the same worn out phrases, meaningless well intentioned platitudes.  Then when I was in my darkest moments, when I hurt so bad that it was all I could do not curl into a fetal position and just give up, well-meaning friends and relatives began to offer the same meaningless encouragement to me.  It did not encourage me.  Instead it made me rage all the more.  I was shamed by the naïve insensitivity I had shown for years.  I was finally honest with myself and God.  I finally screamed out my questions and hurts to the Almighty.    God is big enough to take the questions; God is large enough to hear your thoughts, fears, and even your anger.  King David spoke to God over and over again in Psalms about his sorrow.  I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:8-9,15 
You don’t have to pretty your thoughts and feelings up for God.   He already knows them anyway and he loves for us to come to him when we are hurting and at our lowest.  Like a loving father he knows how to love us.  He doesn’t always answer they why’s but he does know how to bring peace to our hearts.  At my lowest point he reminded me that true faith isn’t the absence of questions.  True faith is having the questions and trusting him enough to bring them to him.  In my case I questioned his justice, I questioned his goodness and I questioned his love.  He answered me in the most tangible ways; ways that were impossible for anyone other than God to orchestrate.   He took me at my lowest, at my angriest, at my most defiant.  He loved me and he answered me.
No I still cannot answer the questions but I now trust that He can.  My heart is with so many of you tonight.  I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you as we cry together.   I pray that God will meet you where you are tonight.  I pray that He will provide all your needs. I ask that He will surround you and protect you despite all the havoc that has been wrought.  I pray you will be kept in the palm of his hand and by his grace we will meet again.  - Kristine  
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